Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Are You Honest?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. > >

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION: You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive furor.

THE TEST: Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, > trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or - - - you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful and brilliant women.

THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.... Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? ________________________________

 

[moreluck]

EEK a Nightmare !!........

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a
mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find
my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!


I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend, Jose.

Just what I needed!!!


I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!


Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH Noooooo...I'm Bald too!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang
out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'


Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!


I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a
Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.


It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!



With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.

I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexicanboyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald,
orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart,
I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me,
'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary?

Clinton or Obama ???



Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed,
drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald,
orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat....

 

[moreluck]

More Quickie Lawyer Jokes......

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

 

[moreluck]

50 Cents............

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

The woman replied, "All of them, of course!"

 

[moreluck]

Senior Citizens


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We'd come into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[moreluck]

Mermaid

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"

She replied, "no sir!"

So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied
The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"

"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"

She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."

The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been ed?"

"No sir," she replied.

"Well, you are now, the tide just went out."

 

[moreluck]

WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE A NEW FATHER

1. Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

2. The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

3. You are used to doing everything one-handed.

4. The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

5. The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

6. Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

7. You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

8. You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

 

[moreluck]

Blonde Suicide Attempt

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

 

[moreluck]

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms
to describe shots such as "shank", "chili-dip", "skull",
"duck-hook", "worm-burner", etc.

Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary.



A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read.

A "Rock Hudson" - it looked straight, but wasn't.

A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another.

A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand.

A "John Kennedy Jr"., - didn't make it over the water.

A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed.

An "O.J. Simpson" - got away with it.

A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver.

A "Princess Di" - shouldn't have used a driver.

A "condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right.

A "Nancy Pelosi" - way too far to the left.

A "Barbra Streisand" - ugly but still working.

A "Teddy Kennedy" - goes in the water, but jumps out.

 

[moreluck]

Infidelity​

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"

 

[moreluck]

Glad to Be a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

 

[moreluck]

Restaurant Specials...

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue.

One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.

 

[moreluck]

YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY.......

..for thinking before acting.

..for hearing before judging.

..for forgiving your enemies.

..for being candid and frank.

..for helping a fallen brother.

..for being honest in business.

..for thinking before speaking.

..for being loyal to your church.

..for standing by your principles.

..for closing your ears to gossip.

..for bridling a slanderous tongue.

..for harboring pure thoughts.

..for sympathizing with the afflicted.

..for being courteous and kind to all.

 

[moreluck]

HOW MUCH IS A BILLION?

What's the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire?

A million seconds is 13 days.

A billion seconds is 31 years!

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

 

[moreluck]

The Vatican published a new list of behavior considered sinful by the Catholic Church Monday. The list includes pollution and genetic experiments and taking mind-damaging drugs. It looks like everyone drinking tap water in America is going to hell.

President Bush said Monday he will send Dick Cheney to Saudi Arabia to discuss the price of oil. Why send him? With oil at one hundred eight dollars a barrel, we should sent Eliot Spitzer because he's the leading expert on this kind of transaction.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

COMMENTS/AGREEMENTS MADE BEFORE MARRIAGE AND REGRETTED LATER (THE MAN IS SPEAKING):

---I want to have your children.

---Nah! We don't need any prenup. We'll always be together!

---Let's get married and grow old together!

---Your mother? You know I'll love her as my mother-in-law. And, she's welcome anytime!

---So, you're not such a great cook. Honey, that's no big deal. We can eat out every once in a while.

---Wow! We both want 2 boys and 2 girls!

---I know both of our parents got divorced. But, what does that have to do with us?

---Thanks honey. My job really requires me to travel 90% of the time and I'm glad that won't bother you.

---I'm glad you agree with my feeling that you shouldn't work and have a career.

---It's great that my little quirks like gulping my food, rushing through a meal, eating with my hands, and and occasionally farting out loud in public won't upset you.

---Great! You have no problem with my golfing every Saturday! What a wonderful and understanding wife you'll be!

---And, if I don't put down the toilet seat, you WON'T yell at me?! What a sweetheart!

---You sure poker every Tuesday with the guys at our place, cigar smoke everywhere, cursing, and beer belching won't bother you? Honey, what an understanding wife you'll make!

---Occasionally, I let the grass grow pretty high. That's no problem? Gee, honey, you're so sweet.

---Your mother can finalize the guest list for the reception. My mom will go along with anything! You know that.

---I'm the man for your life and I'll never lie to you or let you down. I swear.

---It will be wonderful to say yes when we're asked, "to love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others, until death do us part."

 

[moreluck]

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

 

[moreluck]

Walking The Dog ..........

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED

 

[Big Babooba]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning,
having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
The husband takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about?
We're both lying here in bed together talking to one another."
She says. "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world
makes you think you're dead?"

"NOTHING HURTS". ​

 

[moreluck]

Blonde Hunters..............

Two blonde hunters were dragging a deer back to their truck when another hunter happened by. "I don't want to tell you what to do," he said, "but it’s easier if you drag the deer the other way so the antlers don't dig into the ground."

After the hunter left, the two decided to try it his way. After a while, one said to the other, "Man that guy was right. This is easier.”

"Yeah," the other replied, "but we keep getting further and further away from the truck."