Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs​

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

• (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
  (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Poodle
  (Southern) Circus Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) St. Bernard
  (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"
• 
  
• (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
  (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
• 
  
• (Yankee) Beagle
  (Southern) Rabbit Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Rottweiler
  (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
• 
  
• (Yankee) Yellow Lab
  (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Black Lab
  (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Greyhound
  (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Malinois
  (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
  (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
• 
  
• (Yankee) Pekinese
  (Southern) Mop Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Chinese Crested
  (Southern) Nekkid Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Dachshund
  (Southern) Weenie Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Siberian Husky
  (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
  (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"
• 
  
• (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
  (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
  (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Any lazy dog
  (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg
• 
  
• (Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
  (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had...

 

[moreluck]

The Pope and Hillary......

The Pope and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" ​

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. ​

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." ​

The Senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me." ​

So the Pope slapped her. ​

 

[moreluck]

Gaining Weight.......?
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

 

[moreluck]

SUBJECT: THANK YOU VERY MUCH​

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using apaper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because thenumber one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Althoughcell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)< o>

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in theglue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelopethat needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I rece ive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking outfor me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forwardan email to seven of my friends and make a wishwithin five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the carso a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make theseproducts are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwaveanymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be prickedwith a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfumesample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have theirrecipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when itbites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in theparking lot because it probably was placed there bya sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

[moreluck]

You need a new car when . . .

~ You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

~ You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

~ You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

~ The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

~ The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

~ You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

~ The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

 

[moreluck]

Genie....

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance

 

[moreluck]

The Forgotten Ten Other Commandments​

• Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
• Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
• Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
• Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
• Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
• Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
• Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
• Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
• Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
• Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

 

[moreluck]

Old Golfer

An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.

He went to the Club for the first time to play, but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes, because I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."

 

[moreluck]

The Late Show's Top Ten Programs on Oprah's New Television Network....

10. "Law and Oprah"

9. "The Oprentice"

8. "As Oprah's World Turns"

7. "Two and a half Stedmans"

6. "Hawaii Five-Oprah"

5. "Gayle King of Queens"

4. No number 4 writer making his bucket list

3. "Sofa Repair With Tom Cruise"

2. "Oprahstar Galactica"

1. "More Bullsh** From Dr. Phil"

 

[HazMatMan]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

That must be why everything is priced so high, because supermarkets have to look and sound like Universal Studios..lol

 

[moreluck]

New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants​

• Burger King -- Fiber's for weenies!
• Taco Bell -- Feeding potheads with the munchies for $1.50 for 30 years.
• KFC -- We're NOT a rap group, dammit!
• Popeye's -- Buy your chicken from a *real* cartoon character, not an animated dead guy.
• McDonald's -- Did somebody say McBypass?
• McDonald's -- New cooler coffee!
• Domino's -- If you're too wasted to drive, we'll bring your food to you!
• Der Wienerschnitzel -- Now with 15% less pig rectum.
• KFC -- Hey, don't give your money to those racist bastards at Denny's!
• Starbucks -- Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato
• Taco Bell -- Yo tengo flatulence.
• Wendy's -- If Dave doesn't give a rat's ass about his cholesterol, why should you?
• Taco Bell -- Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine the same 5 ingredients.
• KFC -- It's KFCN' awesome!

 

[moreluck]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

 

[moreluck]

Questions For Retirees......


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

Question: When is a retirees bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

 

[moreluck]

10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog​

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

 

[moreluck]

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist,
Julie Andrews made a special
appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for
the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My
Favorite Things" from the
legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the
lyrics she used:

(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially
funny!!!



Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts ,and hearing aids and
glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the
crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms.
Andrews' clever wit and
humor with others who would appreciate it.)

 

[traveler]

Universal Medical Coverage


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."


"Speaking..."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible!!!"


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously...


"Well, ONE of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the OTHER one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which specimen is your husbands."


"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.


"Normally we could, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests ONE time."


"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!!"

 

[traveler]

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!​

For 2008, could you please just send money, gift cards, chocolate, movie tickets ,gasoline vouchers or airline ticketsinstead​

 

[moreluck]

"You might be a child of the 80's if..."

1. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird Al" Yankovic song.

2. A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid."

3. The three words, "Atari," "IntelliVision" and "Coleco" all sound familiar.

4. You remember when hooking your computer into your television was the only way to use it.

5. You still occasionally hum a Debbie Gibson tune.

6. You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

7. You remember when they actually played videos on MTV.

8. At one time, your hair became something that could only be described as, "I was experimenting."

9. You see teenagers today wearing the same clothes you wore at that age and they still look bad.

10. One of your biggest regrets was not being able to participate in the 60's.

11. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

12. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

13. Although you hate to admit it, you just don't understand half the lingo that today's kids use.

14. You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," but it didn't hold any meaning for you until the third verse.

15. You can remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 19,000 selections to choose from.

16. Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to irritate you by calling you "Sir" or "Ma'am."

17. You're starting to realize that getting carded while buying alcohol is a good thing.

18. You know who shot J.R.

19. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in a Madonna, Duran Duran or Cyndi Lauper video.

20. There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter."

21. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.

22. The phrase, "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

23. You remember thinking the special effects in the movie "Tron" were the best ever.

24. You're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't really for someone going through a mid-life crisis.

25. Finally, this rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

 

[moreluck]

Dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you...

 

[traveler]

UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR GASOLINE