Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Nun......

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

 

[moreluck]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

 

[traveler]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

 

[traveler]

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is stil l messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

 

[moreluck]

Paddy......


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

[moreluck]

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie.....

We know where you live.

You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

Everyone's meal today is on you!

The "special sauce" came from the floor!

Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.

See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe

 

[moreluck]

Signs You're Really Broke.........

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You receive care packages from Europe.

Your bologna has no first name.

You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."

The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

 

[moreluck]

Barack Obama gave a speech about race on Tuesday in Philadelphia. He said black people are angry and white people are resentful and they're staring across a chasm of misunderstanding. Until we all learn Spanish that's the way it's going to be.

Barack Obama refused Tuesday to disown his pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who gives inflammatory anti-American sermons. He said the minister was the man who led him to Jesus Christ twenty years ago. Before that he was a white kid from Hawaii.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

Windows to Heaven

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

 

[moreluck]

You might be a fisherman if......

-Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat

-You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter"

-Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file

-You name your dog "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude"

-You have a photo of your 10-pound bass on your desk at work instead of your family

-You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot

-You think there are four seasons: Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn, and Hunting

-Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house

-You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage

 

[moreluck]

TRY THIS...........

Weird but fun! Age calculator by eating out.

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway, but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat.


> DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
>
> It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you
> don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of
> those waste of time things, it's fun.
>
> 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go
> out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
>
> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).
>
> 3. Add 5.
>
> 4. Multiply it by 50.
>
> 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758; if you
> haven't, add 1757.
>
> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
>
> You should have a three digit number. The first digit was your original
> number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a
> week.) The next two numbers are -----
> YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, i t is!)
>
> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (200 8) THAT IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
> WHILE IT LASTS-

 

[moreluck]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.



3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

[moreluck]

GROAN ALERT!...I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"

Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

 

[moreluck]

Easter Jokes..........


When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair?

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.

Altzheimer's Advantage #2 :- You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.


Q: What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital?
A: Albunny, New York!

 

[moreluck]

Chocolate Tips.......
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

Happy Easter !!
​

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Politically Correct Expressions​

• Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
• Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective
• Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
• Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential
• Bald = Folically Challenged
• Bald = Comb-Free
• Girl = Pre-Woman
• Short = Vertically Challenged
• Airhead = Reality Impaired

• Dead = Metabolically Challenged
• Poor = Economically Deficient
• Poor = Economically Unprepared
• Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
• Hunter = Animal Assassin
• Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
• Homeless = Optionally Residential
• Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider
• Hooker = Sex Surrogate
• Housewife = Domestic Technician

• Deaf = Visually Oriented
• Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
• Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
• Ugly = Attractively Impaired
• Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded

 

[moreluck]

Summanabeech.....

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Summanabeech," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Summanabeech", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car floating a foot above the gound and in unison exclaimed, "Summanabeech!

 

[moreluck]

Dog Letters to God​

• Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking?
• Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
• Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
• Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?
• Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?
• Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
• Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
• Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
• Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
• Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
• Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
• Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?

 

[moreluck]

YOUR DOG MIGHT BE IN CHARGE IF...

You bought a bigger bed so that the dog could have more leg room.

You never forget to kiss your dog before you leave the house: the same, however, cannot be said of your disgruntled spouse.

You introduce yourself to every dog you meet as "(Your dog's name)'s mamma/papa."

Your dog's wardrobe is as large as yours.

You let your dog have canine guests over; in fact, you insist that he socializes.

You tell your dog secrets you wouldn't dare tell your spouse.

You watch TV sitting on the floor, so that the dog can sit on the couch behind you & rest his chin on your shoulder for a good view.