Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Fast Sex.....
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you ben d dow n and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all dimes!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
moreluck
golden ticket member
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS EXPLAINED THE MYSTERY!!!
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store or a motel in the United States.
If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to frustrated Americans.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store or a motel in the United States.
If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to frustrated Americans.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three Orders
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road,
debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the
Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and
Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with
awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his
knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder,
and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road,
debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the
Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and
Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with
awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his
knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder,
and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
moreluck
golden ticket member
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made. ' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.
moreluck
golden ticket member
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing
of a beloved old friend by the name of
Common Sense who has been with us
for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost
in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated
such value lessons as knowing when to come
in out of the rain, why the early bird gets
the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you earn) and
reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids,
are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash
after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibi lity; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and
Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join
the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing
of a beloved old friend by the name of
Common Sense who has been with us
for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost
in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated
such value lessons as knowing when to come
in out of the rain, why the early bird gets
the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you earn) and
reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids,
are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash
after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibi lity; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and
Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join
the majority and do nothing.
moreluck
golden ticket member
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers .... and then there are educators.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers .... and then there are educators.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Letter to Mom & Dad.....
Deare$t Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I have been making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't $eem to think of anything I need. $o, if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Deare$t $on, We kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love,
Mom and Dad
Deare$t Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I have been making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't $eem to think of anything I need. $o, if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Deare$t $on, We kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love,
Mom and Dad
moreluck
golden ticket member
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finishedA little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he m arries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." "A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death" AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finishedA little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he m arries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." "A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death" AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to...
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken ' s
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ' the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#&&^(C% .
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
According to...
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken ' s
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ' the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#&&^(C% .
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Subject: Jesus and the Democrat
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she
dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out
back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town
for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."<SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">
another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she
dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out
back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town
for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."<SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">
moreluck
golden ticket member
33 Names of Things You Never Knew had Names
1. AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2. ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
3. CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4. COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5. DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
6. FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
7. FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8. HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9. HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)
10. JARNS,
11. NITTLES,
12. GRAWLIX,
13. and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14. KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
15. KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
16. LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
17. MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
18. NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19. OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is 'asleep'.
20. OCTOTHORPE - The symbol '#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
21. OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
22. PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23. PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
24. PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25. RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26. ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
27. SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28. SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
29. SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
30. SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
31. TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32. WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
33. ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.
1. AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2. ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
3. CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4. COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5. DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
6. FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
7. FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8. HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9. HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)
10. JARNS,
11. NITTLES,
12. GRAWLIX,
13. and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14. KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
15. KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
16. LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
17. MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
18. NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19. OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is 'asleep'.
20. OCTOTHORPE - The symbol '#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
21. OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
22. PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23. PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
24. PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25. RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26. ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
27. SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28. SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
29. SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
30. SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
31. TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32. WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
33. ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Smiles.......
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his.
"Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I'm usually up practicing my saxophone 'til about that time almost every night."
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his.
"Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I'm usually up practicing my saxophone 'til about that time almost every night."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three Women
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over m y eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
INTERPRETING A POLICE REPORT
What the report SAID....
(What the report MEANT)....
While on routine patrol... (I was in the car because the donut shop was closed.)
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner. (He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS".)
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control. (It was raining.)
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant. (It was too hot to ride in the car.)
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... (dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.)
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... (He puked on my uniform one night...)
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...( I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...)
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...( I wrote one citation for each "swear" word he used...)
Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door... (The music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.)
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... (I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post.")
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command. (I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding. She was a good-looking blonde who owns a donut shop.
Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.( It was my bowling night.)
The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage. (He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)
What the report SAID....
(What the report MEANT)....
While on routine patrol... (I was in the car because the donut shop was closed.)
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner. (He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS".)
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control. (It was raining.)
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant. (It was too hot to ride in the car.)
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... (dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.)
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... (He puked on my uniform one night...)
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...( I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...)
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...( I wrote one citation for each "swear" word he used...)
Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door... (The music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.)
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... (I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post.")
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command. (I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding. She was a good-looking blonde who owns a donut shop.
Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.( It was my bowling night.)
The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage. (He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)
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