Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Question.............

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. When suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock 17, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?



UK POLICE OFFICERS Answer: Well, that's not really enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 999?

Why is this street so deserted? Maybe we need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?



AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG!



AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG. Click.



Apparently Australian’s are better shots………….

 

[moreluck]

Sorry about some of the language, but this is so hilarious. We can all relate to this.

An actual letter to the passport office

Dear sir


I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHOOT !!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull crap! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my frickin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a$$holes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Krist sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a darn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another flippin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the flippin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some to confirm that it's really me on the picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! frickin' morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 . I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!

sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

 

[moreluck]

Welfare Check.....

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just

HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent!

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of

your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips

and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary

is $200,000 a year!"

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're lying! ! !"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

 

[moreluck]

Teachers Have It Tough......
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no
longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[moreluck]

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a Race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that Land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made me Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkeys lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed in the Land That Made Me Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was 43,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me Me.

 

[moreluck]

Criminals in Court...........

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," states the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "Does this mean I get to keep the money?"

 

[moreluck]

TRAVEL AGENT TERMS..................

Old world charm ... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

Tropical .... Rainy.

Majestic setting ... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.

Options galore ... Nothing is included in the price.

Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.

Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.

Explore on your own .....At your own expense.

Minutes From ???...........By Plane

Romantic ...................... No Phone in room

Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.

No extra fees .............. No extras available.

Bird Watchers Paradise...... Your car's paint will never be the same

Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge.

Standard ..................... Sub-standard.

Deluxe ........................ Barely Standard.

Superior accommodations... One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps.

Just Like Home............. No Maid service.

Plush ................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.

Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.

Light and airy .............. No air conditioning.

Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby.

24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

 

[moreluck]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

 

[traveler]

I was particularly frightened by number 17.

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.




2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.




3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.




4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.




5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.




6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?




7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.




8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?




9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.




10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.




11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.




12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.




13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.




14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.




15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.




16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.




17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies ! )




18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.




19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!





20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones who mind, don't matter.

​

 

[moreluck]

Gilette.......

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.And, there were still 5 shaves left!

 

[moreluck]

Where to Live After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!You can Live in California where...1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke.4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and DroughtYou can Live in New York City where...1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature," 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.5. You've worn out a car horn.6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.You can Live in Maine where...1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose.4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.4.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.You can live in Colorado where...1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You can live in the Midwest where...1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"AND You can live in Florida where..1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

[moreluck]

PENCIL TRIVIA.......

A pencil can write in zero gravity, upside down, and under water.

The average lead pencil can draw a line approximately 35 miles long.

A pencil can write between 45,000 and 50,000 English words.

More than two billion pencils are sold in the U.S. every year, and most have erasers. However, most pencils sold in Europe do not come with erasers.

In ancient Rome, scribes wrote on papyrus with a lead stylus which left a faint marking on the paper. From this was born the pencil. Most people still call the inside of a pencil the lead, but in nearly all cases now graphite is used instead.

The first mass-produced pencils came from Germany in 1662. William Monroe, a Massachusetts cabinetmaker, created the first pencils made in the United States in 1812.

Originally, pencils were unpainted to showcase their wooden construction. However, in the 1890s most of the graphite used in pencils was imported from China. There, the color yellow signified royalty and respect. So American pencil makers began painting their pencils yellow to communicate the idea of the quality graphite enclosed. Today, approximately 75% of all pencils sold are still colored yellow.

The tiny piece of metal that holds the eraser to the pencil is called a ferrule.

 

[moreluck]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
**After a brief pause,**
Daddy says,**
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.**
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
Is this 486-5731 ???
No, I think you have the wrong number.........

 

[moreluck]

Celebrity answers on Hollywood Squares
From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Goebel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way...

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Goebel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Goebel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Goebel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

 

[moreluck]

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

 

[traveler]

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kinda Makes You Proud To Be American.
​

 

[moreluck]

SHIPWRECKED...........

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Upon
looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking
his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch
the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it...but the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck,
and the only survivor was (GASP...).......Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get "those feelings" again..

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[moreluck]

Definitions.....


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

 

[traveler]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said".

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."


"It isn't possible," the man insisted."??????"This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."


"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? "
The man seemed a bit ashamed . "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."


"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.



"It's rust."

 

[traveler]

The Navy found they had too many IT officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any IT officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.

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