Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

LIFE IS A DANCE

One of the most important lessons I've learned is that life is a dance.

Sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow. When you lead, you do it gently, firmly and clearly, and when you follow, do you so with trust.

The amazing thing is that each one of us is involved in many dances at any one time...and we are the leader in some and the follower in others!

Some dances are slow and majestic and others are crazy and frenetic and still others are somewhere in between.

Some last a lifetime...others are over almost as soon as they begin.

Most of the time we manage not to fall flat on our faces, which is even more amazing and requires some pretty fancy footwork.

And sometimes we do trip up or our toes get squashed and we get hurt...but the important thing is to keep on dancing...no matter what.

Just keep dancing!

Even if you can't hear the music or you just don't don't feel like it or you have acquired two left feet, keep on dancing!

Reminds me of the words of a Garth Brooks song: 'our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.'

 

[moreluck]

Lifetime Savings.....

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

 

[cheryl]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona:



1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.



2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.



3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!



4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.



5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.



6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.



7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.



8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.



9. QUIET PLEASE ... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.



10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.




WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

 

[moreluck]

A Man and His Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying thescenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembereddying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. Hewondered where the road was leading them.​

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of theroad. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was brokenby a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before ithe saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, andthe street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.​

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a manat a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me,where are we?"​

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.​

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.​

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought rightup." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.​

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the travelerasked.​

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."​

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continuedthe way he had been going with his dog.​

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to adirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never beenclosed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,leaning against a tree and reading a book.​

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"​

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place thatcouldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."​

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.​

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sureenough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.​

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gavesome to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward theman who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call thisplace?" the traveler asked.​

"This is Heaven," he answered.​

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road saidthat was Heaven, too."​

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That'sHell."​

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"​

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that theyscreen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."​

 

[Big Babooba]

Jesus verses Satan
This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was betteron the computer. They had been going at it for days, andfrankly God was tiredof hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going toset up a test that will run for two hours, and from thoseresults, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the powerwent off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word knownin the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.Finally the electricity came back on, and each of themrestartedtheircomputers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his filesfrom the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he hasallhis work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
.
.
.'JESUS SAVES'

 

[moreluck]

Grade Two..........

My Grade 2 class was doing a special project in which they raised butterflies from caterpillars. The students and I watched the insects in our classroom aquarium as they attached themselves to the lid, each forming a chrysalis. Within a week they began to emerge, wet and crumpled. The kids watched in fascination as the wings began to straighten and, with careful fanning, the butterflies dried themselves. About three days after hatching, the insects began to fly. One little boy in particular, who had been watching carefully each day, saw this and excitedly announced.

"They're flying!"

"Of course they're flying!" a little girl in the class replied, rolling her eyes. "They're called 'butterflies.' If they didn't fly, they'd just be butter!"

 

[moreluck]

KRISPY KREME SNACK STATS........

Every day, Krispy Kreme makes about 5 million doughnuts.

Every year, they make about 2 billion doughnuts.

Every week, they make enough doughnuts to reach from New York to Los Angeles.

Every year, they use up two Olympic-sized swimming pools worth of chocolate.

Every year, they use about 1 million pounds of sprinkles.

Collectively, Krispy Kreme's stores could make a doughnut stack as high as the Empire State Building (that's 1,454 feet or 443 meters) in only two minutes.

 

[Big Babooba]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,'Sure I can watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

 

[Big Babooba]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[moreluck]

This is soooo creepy! Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .

Don't stop . . .

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man or a woman's name that begins
with the last letter in the animals name

Almost there ....

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers
of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines
in your hand.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?!

Of course not ....

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the **** out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games! A good whomp up 'longside the head will work, too.

Don't tell the secret to others, just send them this e-mail!
Smile and have a great day!

 

[moreluck]

Math Test.........

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman
said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dats a easy." and he
proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says
the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same ; rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dats a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this flipping Italian, so he says, "All right, last question Same rules
again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred!"


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little doga come along and crapa by each a tree.
So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.

So, when I'm a gonna start?"

 

[moreluck]

Donkey......

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,'Sure I can watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Bank.....

10. Teller asks, "How may I swindle you?"

9. Instead of Andrew Jackson, their $20 bills have a picture of Tito Jackson

8. They promise they'll have your money if you come back after tonight's Keno drawing

7. Interest paid not in money, but in Saltines

6. ATM looks suspiciously like a Ms. Pac-Man machine

5. Loan officer will approve your loan only if you'll let him rub you

4. Bank robbers leave with a sack of IOUs

3. Most banks are backed by the FDIC. Your bank is backed by KFC

2. They made $2 million loan to Hillary Clinton campaign

1. Manager giggles whenever he says, "Early withdrawal"

 

[moreluck]

Political Correctness.....


The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."



The winner wrote:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

[moreluck]

The Dog...How do I love thee? Let me count the ways . . . .

I love thee agreeably - enough to let your stinky dog hide on the bed after a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens.

I love thee steadfastly - enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control).

I love thee passionately - despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities.

I love thee well - despite the amazing odors you produce.

I love thee deeply - though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity.

I love thee madly - despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments - in inappropriate places.

I love thee constantly - despite the dog "bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years.

I love thee truly - despite the "doggie land mines" hidden in the grass.

I love thee absolutely - because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control.

I love thee gratefully - because you stay by my side (or on my side).

I love thee devotedly - more than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls.

I love thee bravely - enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf.

I love thee monetarily - enough to put the vet's children through college.

I love thee openly - I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake.

I love thee totally - more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life.

 

[moreluck]

A Jury of Lawyers......

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

 

[moreluck]

Hole In One ??

A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face.

He looked around distractedly and then asked, "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity.

The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout, "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven!"

 

[moreluck]

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.


CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.


CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.


SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.


SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.


TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character
lines.

 

[Big Babooba]

The Broken Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf -always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[moreluck]

Cowboy story




A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.



His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this


is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID


badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.


She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie.


"You know how I work....

You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this.", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a
FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.