Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS "ONCE UPON A TIME....."
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TLE BEGINS............
"Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS

 

[moreluck]

Job Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

“So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying…. “Ummmm… 22.”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces …..”Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure or look up. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 15 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: ”Mandy!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the blonde, “I was just running through that song,…… Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”

 

[moreluck]

Definition of Pornography​

I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier.
No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The simple difference is,"Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on.
So there...now you know.

 

[moreluck]

AAADD..........

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. ​

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, ​

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

​

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.​

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,and I'm
really tired.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

[moreluck]

Gene Splicing

It seems that gene-splicing has become a reality. Now all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a centipede are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few examples:

Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers will give you Rhesus Peanut Buttercup.

Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon. It's a Sassoon that lurks in the suburbs at night, catches unwary women and styles their hair.

Cross a sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a Shag-carpette.

Cross a rabbit with an amoeba gives you an Amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time.

Cross a racehorse with a hog and you get a Thoroughpig.

Cross a sheep with a porcupine and you get a Sheepupine. It not only supplies you with wool but will also knit you a sweater.

 

[moreluck]

A Snowy Virgin​

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.
"She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.
"Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White."

 

[moreluck]

More Hollywood Squares Comebacks.....

These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous: ​

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.​

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.​

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.​

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.​

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...​

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.​

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.​

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.​

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.​

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.​

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy. growing strawberries!​

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.​

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.​

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!​

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!​

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.​

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.​

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.​

 

[moreluck]

The Complete Guide to Orgasms​

• Newlyweds get... soregasms
• Nymphos have... let's-do-it-some-moregasms
• 4WDrivers usually experience... four-on-the-floorgasms
• Salesmen have... door-to-doorgasms
• Virgins scream out... my-hymen-got-torgasms
• I know of no one who has... I-abhorgasms
• Goalies have... scoregasms
• I was married to a man who had... snoregasms
• Golfers have... foregasms
• Hockey players have... Bobby Orrgasms
• Mushrooms are limited to... sporegasms
• And Marco Polo had... exploregasms
• Premature ejaculators have... beforegasms
• Selfish men have... I-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms

And when you do it...

• in a boat - oargasms
• with a nerd - dorkgasms
• at the entrance to your house - doorgasms
• on the carpet or linoleum - floorgasms
• at the supermarket - storegasms
• with wild pigs - boargasms
• at a Stephen King movie - horrorgasms
• with a prostitute - whoregasms
• with a storyteller - loregasms
• with an accountant - boregasms
• while sleeping - snoregasms
• with cartoon donkeys - eeyoregasms
• while broke - poorgasms
• with a lion - roargasms
• for hours and hours on end - soregasms
• on a golf course - foregasms
• with a nymphomaniac - ready for moregasms
• in a gold mine - oregasms
• with a dermatologists - poregasms
• with a former vice president - Al Goregasms
• on the beach - shoregasms
• in Asia - Singaporegasms
• at an all you can eat buffet - smoregasms
• on the way to a train - all aboardgasms
• that isn't very satisfying - there's the doorgasms
• during hay fever season - sporegasms
• with a cookie - oreogasms
• with a meat eater - carnivoregasms
• with a vegetarian - vegegasms

 

[ercrouse]

• Hot
• Ass
• Babes
• In
• Tight
• Skirts

• Hot
• Ass
• Boys
• In
• Tight
• Shorts

 

[moreluck]

Interviews

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security," 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

 

[moreluck]

Anne

My wife, Anne, is used to having her name mangled. Invariably, people drop the e and spell it the more conventional way, Ann. As I was signing us up for a seminar recently, the woman making the name tags asked for our names. "It's Duke and Anne," I said. "Anne with an e."

My wife spent the rest of the day wearing a name tag that read "Enn."

 

[moreluck]

The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."

"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."

"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."

"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."

"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."

 

[moreluck]

UCLA STUDY - VERY INTERESTING
>
> A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has
> revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can
> differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
>
> For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
> rugged and masculine features.
>
> However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be
> more attracted to a man, on fire, with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
> in his chest .
>
> No further studies are expected.

 

[moreluck]

1981 & 2005 - two interesting years.

>
> Interesting Year 1981
> 1. Prince Charles got married
> 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
> 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
> 4. Pope Died
>
> Interesting Year 2005
> 1. Prince Charles got married
> 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
> 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
> 4. Pope Died
>
> Lesson Learned
> The next time Charles gets married...someone better warn the
Pope.

 

[Big Babooba]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer :Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted?We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus...................................................................
Republican's Answer: BANG!..................................................................
Redneck's Answer:BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click. Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! 'Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

 

[moreluck]

Trial of man accused of failing to report for jury duty postponed, due to lack of jurors

by The Republican Newsroom Tuesday July 22, 2008, 1:53 PM




By KEN ROSS

WESTFIELD - In an ironic twist, the jury trial of a Holyoke man who refused to report for jury duty, was continued today due to a lack of jurors.

Michael Franco, 45, is on trial in Westfield District Court for failing to report for jury duty in 2006 in Westfield.

Franco requested the trial because he has previously said he believes there are systematic problems with the state's trial system.

A total of eight jurors were impaneled for Tuesday's trial. Three were dismissed including two at Franco's request. By law, the plaintiff or defendant in a case can each request to have two jurors dismissed without giving a reason. A total of six jurors were needed for this trial.

Franco's court case is scheduled to resume at 9 a.m. Wednesday in Westfield District Court.

Earlier this morning, Judge Rita Koenigs refused to dismiss charges against Franco, a city veterans' services officer.

Franco, 45, who is charged with twice failing to report for jury duty, has said he refused because the state Trial Court is "systematically corrupted and politically motivated."

Franco has said he bases his argument on personal experience during a custody battle with his ex-wife about their 10-year-old daughter. He said the court is biased against "heterosexual men and fathers."

Franco, a failed candidate for Governor's Council, state representative and City Council, is running again for the 8th District seat on the Governor's Council now held by Thomas T. Merrigan and has made previous statements concerning his position about the court system. The council acts on nominations from the governor for judicial appointments.

 

[moreluck]

Love that pig



If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals thatcannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy factsand send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that pig!)

 

[moreluck]

The Asian Lady

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll page down.)







What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

 

[Big Babooba]

NEW MEDICAL DEFINITIONS

Acute: Opposite of an uglyArtery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

 

[moreluck]

The Seniors Breakfast Special
**********************************

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"

was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast and coffee/tea for $1.99​

"Sounds good," said my wife.. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents, the waitress warned her,​

because you're ordering a la carte,"


.​

"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then." my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.​

MORAL ?



DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!​

We've been around the block more than Once !​