Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

LIFE'S IRONIES.......

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

 

[moreluck]

Bragging.....

A bosun mate and a gunny sergeant were sitting on the fantail one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of coffee the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the Sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The Sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the old sarge comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Marines invented sex!' The bosun replies, 'That is true, but it was Sailors who introduced it to the ladies.'

 

[moreluck]

Will I live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?

''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ?'

 

[moreluck]

A redneck love poem............

Susie lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, susie gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
but joe is yo' half brother.

So susie put aside her joe
and planned to marry will.
But after telling pappy this,
he said, 'there's trouble still.'

you can't marry will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But will and joe, and several mo'
i know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry will or marry joe;
you ain't no kin to pappy.

 

[moreluck]

God Is Watching The Apples


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."






"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

 

[moreluck]

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, 'Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?'

'Why yes, that would be nice,' the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina .
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, 'Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'

'Oh, no,' said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, 'What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?'

Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, 'Would you like a smoke?'

'Oh my goodness no,' said the woman. 'I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?'

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, 'Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?'

'Sure, that would be nice,' she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the hell have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, 'I've got to ask you one thing,

Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?'

The lady said, 'The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'

 

[moreluck]

The Banana Test.......

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.









If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a maroon
.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

 

[moreluck]

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie........

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

 

[moreluck]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

[moreluck]

Urinalysis....

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[moreluck]

Biological Differences​

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet...for instance, can you explain why:

• Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.

• 
  
  [*]Men drive to a party, women drive back.
  
  [*]Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals -- once they are pointed out to them, by women.
  
  [*]Men have flu, women have colds.
  
  [*]Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
  
  [*]Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and DE-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.
  
  [*]Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not. Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men's do not.
  
  [*]A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy's boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.
  
  [*]A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.
  
  [*]A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.
  
  [*]Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

 

[moreluck]

Geography of a Woman

• Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
• 
  
• Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
• 
  
• Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
• 
  
• Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
• 
  
• Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
• 
  
• Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
• 
  
• Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
• 
  
• After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 

[moreluck]

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.


HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned.
English is the official language. Speak it, or wait at the border until you can!!

(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'WalMart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't gettin' nuttin' out. Neither the president, nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40-hour school week, and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes -- Steroids - NO SECOND CHANCES!!! The FIRST time you check positive, you will be banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method: The first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There will be no more life sentences -- if you are convicted of a Capitol Offense, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed - WHEAT -- The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress -- right after the PRAYER TO GOD!!!

(12) The National Anthem will be played, AND a prayer WILL be said at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc., starting IMMEDIATELY!!!

I don't apologize if I stepped on anyone's toes!!! Just letting you know that a vote for me will get you better than what you have now, and better than what you're gonna get, UNLESS THEY CHANGE TO MY PLATFORM!!!

 

[moreluck]

Translating Adult-ese...........

Waiting for a flight, a woman was seated in the waiting area with two boys. The younger one asked, "Mommy, when we get home, will you take us to the zoo?"

"Perhaps," she answered.

"What does 'perhaps', mean?" he asked.

The older brother answered, "Not likely to happen."

 

[moreluck]

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male
to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must
commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM
EST all American women are asked to walk out of their
house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one
hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn
chairs in front of their house to prove they are not
Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see
nude women other than their wife and to show support
for all American women. Since Islam also does not
approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is
further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The
American government appreciates your efforts to root
out terrorists and applauds your participation in this
anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you
don't send this to at least 5 people you're a
terrorist sympathizing lily-livered coward and are in
the position of posing as a national threat!

 

[Big Babooba]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A
female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.
So, she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.

 

[moreluck]

THE SHORTEST BOOKS:

1) A guide to Arab democracies

2) Everything men know about women

3) The Amish phonebook

 

[705red]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years..
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the friend* dishes!

 

[moreluck]

Fishin'
​

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish.
Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

 

[moreluck]

Olympic......
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”