Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES:

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:



When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:





A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:



A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:


A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[moreluck]

KidsAre Quick
______________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said its H to O.
______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
______________________________

 

[moreluck]

In the elevator
[FONT=Verdana,]A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]gets in he notices a huge [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]down upon the small guy [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]pound left ball, 3 pound [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]right ball, Turner Brown." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]the small guy, brings him [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]guy, "What's wrong?" [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]you say?" [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Turner Brown." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]'Turn around.'" [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

rectum stretcher..........

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in Wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk
we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS

 

[moreluck]

Palin graduated from the University of Idaho, but Don Imus pronounced it UCLA just to be on the safe side.

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized Monday, two months after he threatened to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Doctors diagnosed food poisoning. Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama and asked if he'd like to enroll in Russia's leadership training program.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not
me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go
back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either
dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without
getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid
the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called
golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Good Advice: Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[moreluck]

Idiot​

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?"
"Because you're an idiot!"

 

[moreluck]

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.


If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.


If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.


If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.



If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.


She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.


So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of .' ​

 

[moreluck]

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.






HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders no t to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.







(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

 

[moreluck]

Confessional..........

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?''Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.



'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'



Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'



'4 months vacation and five good leads.’

 

[moreluck]

Catchphrase....

My boyfriend and I are usually an unbeatable team when it comes to the game Catchphrase. But the other night, I offered a clue that stumped him: " It's the opposite of fission!"

He pondered it for a while before saying, "Hunting?"

 

[moreluck]

Free Kittens....

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to
give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign
"FREE KITTENS" next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars
came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all
stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl,
what do you have there in the box?" he asked.
"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even
open yet." "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.
"DEMOCRATS" says Little Suzy.
The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.
sensing a good photo opportunity, Barack Hussein Obama called
his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the
media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box
of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign
and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans
and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Barack Hussein
Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.
"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all
these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving
away today." "Yes sir," Suzy said, "They are all "REPUBLICAN" kittens."
Taken by surprise, Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me
that they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

 

[moreluck]

Husbands and wives





You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

__________



At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'



__________



A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'



__________

When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________



A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.



__________

A little boy asked his father,

'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'



__________

A young son asked,

'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'



__________



Then there was a woman, who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late.'



__________



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



__________

If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

__________



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life

Thinking they had no faults at all.



__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.

 

[moreluck]

Differences between the North and the South.....



The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained...
The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

 

[moreluck]

Psysiology Lab..........

While earning my master's degree, I worked as an assistant in psysiology lab. One class experiment involved monitoring a student's heart rate, breathing and blood flow as the subject exercised or performed other tasks. Student were asked to come up with ways to excite the subject such as pouring ice down his back. Suddenly, a female student sat down on his lap and gave him a long passionate kiss. When the measurements finally returned to normal, the young man turned to the woman and said, "Let's do that again, and take an average."

 

[moreluck]

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ..

In the South: If you run your car into a
ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them, just
stay out of their way. This is what they
live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and
fish bait in the same store...do not buy food at
this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all'
is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural
possessive Get used to hearing 'You ain't
from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be
instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what
people are saying. They can't understand you
either. The first Southern statement to
creep into a trans planted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck
or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin
their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in
school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a
valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey,
y'all watch this,' you should stay out of
the way. These are likely to be the last
words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest
chance of even the smallest accumulation of
snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you
need anything or not. You just have to go
there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year
olds own their own shotguns, they are
proficient marks men, and their mammas
taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best
way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour
gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South
and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if
the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't
gonna call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related
to you, and I reckon your life will turn
into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too.

 

[moreluck]

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!​

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'


'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.



'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'


The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop ... but at the bar... You know ... they have frozen glasses... '



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'



'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets , mushroom caps, and little quiches.



'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'



'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIiiiT! SIT YOUR DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIiiiT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?'

and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

[moreluck]

Banker & Oilman......

A banker calls in an oilman to review his loans. "We loaned you a million to revive your old wells, and they went dry." says the banker.

"Coulda been worse."

"Then we loaned you a million to drill new wells, and they were dry."

"Coulda been worse."

"Then we loaned you another million for new drilling equipment, and it broke down."

"Coulda been worse."

"I'm getting tired of hearing that!" snaps the banker. "How could it have been worse?"

"Coulda been my money," says the oilman.

 

[moreluck]

Reasons That Dogs Are Better Than Women

1- Dogs don't shop.
2- Dogs never expect gifts.
3- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
4- Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
5- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
6- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
7- Dogs don't notice if you call them by other names.
8- Dogs never want foot rubs.
9- Dogs are excited by rough play.
10- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
11- It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
12- Dogs never need to examine a relationship.
13- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
14- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
15- A dog's parents never drop in to visit.
16- Dogs love long car rides.
17- Dogs understand that instincts are better than stopping for directions.
18- Dogs like beer.
19- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
20- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

[moreluck]

Prospective Juror......

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The Crown prosecutor asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant? The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theatre," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.