Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THE REAL RULES OF GOLF

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

 

[moreluck]

New Rooster....

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

 

[moreluck]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.



Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using apaper towel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because thenumber one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (althoughcell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in theglue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelopethat needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking outfor me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forwardan email to seven of my friends and make a wishwithin five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the carso a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas..

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make theseproducts are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwaveanymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be prickedwith a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfumesample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in theparking lot because it probably was placed there bya sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

 

[Jack4343]

A guy moves out to the country. His neighbor pulls up on his tractor and invites him to a party next Saturday. "First, they'll be some cussing. Then there will be some fighting. Finally there will be some screwing." The new guy says "Sounds great, who'll be there?" The neighbor responds "Just you and me."

 

[moreluck]

And then the fight started......

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....


********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And that's when the fight started.....


***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

 

[Big Babooba]

GOOD
In Haverhill, MA a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered
the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand
painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a
bucket full of money. (Beats a lemonade stand!)


BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Bradford, MA. A $40.00 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40.00. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Groveland, MA for speeding. As the
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Massachusetts
State Police Ball.' He replied, 'MA State Troopers don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[moreluck]

Bible

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"​

​

​

​

 

[moreluck]

The Italian Nursing Home

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather

(Abuelo) in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.


After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.




'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says
grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.

Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'

'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!'

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fricking Mexican'

 

[moreluck]

Medical Records.........

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

 

[moreluck]

For all of us who are seniors---

for all of you who know seniors---

and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!



Where Is My Paper?

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly

demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not

delivered 'til Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.


'So that's why no one was in church today.'

 

[traveler]

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed
for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?

'The friend said, 'I think he means her legs.'

 

[moreluck]

A New Way to Decide an Election............

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.


Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.


After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .


There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.


Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.


At the end of the 2nd day McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.


That evening, Harry Reid & Nancy Pelosi got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, We think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun.

Go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.
'

The next night (after McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?' Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.
'

 

[moreluck]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it to ya.
------------------------------------------------------------ -------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things ' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to menuntil they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
--- ----------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

[dilligaf]

How to properly place new employees.

1. Put 400 bricks in a room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back 6 hours later.
4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Dep't.
b. If they are re-counting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
friend. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Recources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can niether be seen or heard from, put them in Congress.

 

[moreluck]

Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
what have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

 

[moreluck]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

>BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change !
The chicken wanted change !

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure
right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taki ng on his current problems before
adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this
road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take
falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he
can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Marke t to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken
should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, a nd that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of
how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.


ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
>COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

 

[moreluck]

Songs Sung by Bible People

So what songs would famous biblical people have sung?

Hair: sung by Samson [Hair]

I Feel Pretty: sung by Esther [West Side Story]

I Could Have Danced All Night: sung by Salome [My Fair Lady]

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head: sung by Noah [Butch Cassidy]

Stayin’ Alive: sung by Methuselah [Saturday Night Fever]

Stranger in Paradise: sung by Adam & Eve [Kismet]

The Lady is a Tramp: sung by Jezebel [Pal Joey]

The Lion Sleeps Tonight: sung by Daniel [The Lion King]

The Wanderer: sung by Moses [-]

 

[moreluck]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind....

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones That everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

I can't afford one.

So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing Aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people Didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer Cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still Have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is Falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you Got a cat?"

Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of An emergency.'

I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do... Write to these men?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the Mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as They get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their Finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 

[moreluck]

Let's Be Honest...............

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

 

[Big Babooba]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST​

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



​

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

​

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider. ​

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up &down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) ​

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' ​

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' ​

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! ​

A WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS' ​

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ​

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. ​