Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a .

 

[moreluck]

Canada​

Back in the 1800s, when Canada's founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up.
One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "USA is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?"
Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.
"C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh"

 

[moreluck]

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the rest room. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied Business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, 'Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift.

The third man said: 'Well, that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his b est friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulate each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We're talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'That's a shame .. what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

 

[moreluck]

How To Install A Home Security System In The South
=======================================



1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of
men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy
of Guns and Ammo Magazine.



3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more


ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit
bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked


all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

 

[moreluck]

Laws That Govern Parents........

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads:

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance he/she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year... unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

 

[moreluck]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1a.. Hillary isn't president!
1b.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot - - Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[Catatonic]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probabl y never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In th e beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man a nd rested
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS............'WALT WALCO'!


Maxine just had to have the last word .

 

[moreluck]

PREGNANCY Q & A​

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. ​

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.​

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?​

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. ​

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. ​

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. ​

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.​

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. ​

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.​

 

[moreluck]

YOU DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THESE!

From your family doctor: "Well, do you want to first hear the bad news or the worst news?"

Fom your dentist: "Hey, this is great...my first quadruple root canal! And, in a year, we're looking at upper and lower dentures!"

From your optometrist: "Just between you and me, the lenses are only 50 bucks. But, we get you on the 350 bucks for the currently-in-style frames! Not bad, huh!"

From your home contractor: "Look...it's very smple. We can get your house back to normal for 50,000 bucks, or, tear down the disaster and build a new house. You know the lot's worth a half million bucks, so the house will cost you peanuts!"

From your auto dealer: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry...your 100,000 mile warranty ran out 5 days ago. I'm afraid you may now have a "junker" on your hands. Tough luck, huh?"

From your auto garage: "Just what I thought...engine's gone, transmission is shot, and the underchassis is corroded everywhere. I can fix it all for only 5 grand. Whatdya say? Not a bad deal. Right?!"

From your psychotherapist: "You're basically all screwed up. Were your parents bizarre? I'm afraid we're looking at 3 years of weekly therapy sessions. We can start today with your trying to understand your cat."

From a car dealer's hot shot saleperson: "Hey bud, this is your lucky day and this baby you're lookin' at is LOADED! And, I can ask my boss to get you 35% off sticker. Can't beat that anywhere in town!"

From your hair stylist: "Oh, there I go again! I gave you a really short crew cut and you only asked for a trim. C'mon, laugh! Hah! Don't worry honey! That hair will be back in only 4 months. Now, you feel better. Right?"

Computer Dating/Matching Service: "We're sorry. We're returning your $100 membership fee. We scanned our 275,000 female members three times and could not find any match. Please accept our apologies. Perhaps, another dating service will serve your needs better. Have a wonderful life!"

At the movies: "You just missed the last two tickets, but if you're both night owls, our next showing is at 12:30 AM and you'll probably have the theater all to yourselves! So, nobody can block you!"

From your health department: "This is an automated call. Your credit card shows you ate at Mabel's Home Cooking yesterday. Please go to an emergency center, or, better yet, a trauma center at a hospital, and, as soon as possible. You may have contracted Mungofilio's Disease. Please note that without prompt medical attention, you may be dead within 12-15 hours of this call. Have a nice day!"

From your termite inspection service: "Yup, dem termites got you bad. My advice...tear down this house of holes and sell the 'exotic, light, porous wood.' Then, build another house or move. Just remember, at Quickie Mickey's Exterminators, we give you the news fast, whether it's good or bad!"

From your favorite ice cream shop: "Sorry folks...only half-melted vanilla today. Our freezers conked out. We did salvage the vanilla, though. Hey, where are you going?! (Yelling) It still tastes good!"

From your watch repair shop: "Well, the battery's got 2 more years on it. But that $700 Swiss piece of junk watch needs to go into the trash. Here! At least, save the battery!"

From your shoe repair place: "Like I told you; the repair to put on new heels and soles...they're a single unit, is 95 bucks plus tax. I don't care if you paid 80 for the shoes. Do you want me to repair them or what? What? Don't you talk? Hey, don't leave! I'll knock off 5 bucks!

 

[moreluck]

LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES......

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

ASPECT: What you get when you bend over in a chicken coop.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success by sucking up to the boss rather than working for it.

BAGGRAVATION, n. A feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his/her bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have.

BLAMPS: This is a wicked combination of bloating and cramps.

CAMPAIGN: Back ache from sleeping too long in a tent.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

KINSTIRPATION: (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

AND.......... DOCTORS Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

OPTHALMOLOGIST'S office – Site for sore eyes

 

[moreluck]

A family was celebrating their daughter's fifth birthday at a local restaurant when the little girl's father noticed her looking sadly at a moose head on the wall. Someone had placed a party hat on its head. Her father knelt beside her and explained why some people hunt animals.

"I know all that," the child sobbed. "But why did they have to shoot him at his birthday party?"

 

[moreluck]

Natural Disasters ??

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"

 

[moreluck]

Sarah Palin was slammed by environmentalists for her record on wildlife issues Friday because the governor favors shooting wolves from the air. In Alaska they call that predator control. In the Democratic Party it's called keeping an eye on Bill.

GOP convention delegates gathering in Minnesota Friday were overjoyed by Sarah Palin's selection. It fit the party's most pressing need this week. They had to have a candidate with no risk of being arrested in the Minneapolis airport men's room.

Sarah Palin's choice Friday let the GOP match the Democratic ticket for exotic appeal. She's from Alaska and Barack Obama's from Hawaii. It's a chance for the Libertarian party to advertise Bob Barr as the candidate of the Lower Forty-Eight

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE...........

I met this guy while I was in Albuquerque and he has a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie. I was shaking my head 'no', but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules.

So here they are:

1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.

2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are..

3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.

4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night Thank God you live in America and have freedom.

I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!

 

[moreluck]

WEATHER FOLKLORE..........

If crows fly low, winds going to blow; If crows fly high, winds going to die.

Whether it’s cold or whether it’s hot... We shall have weather, whether or not!

No weather is ill, if the wind is still.

NEWS and weather…they travel together.

A sunshiny shower won’t last half an hour.

Rain, rain go away...come back another day.

Clear moon, frost soon.

The moon and the weather may change together but change of the moon does not change the weather.

From twelve ‘til two tells what the day will do.

The more rain, the more rest...fair weather’s not always best.

When sea birds fly to land there truly is a storm at hand.

To talk of the weather is nothing but folly; when it rains on the hill, it suns in the valley.

It rains as long as it takes rain to come.

The sharper the blast, the sooner it’s past.

Yellow streaks in sunset sky, wind and daylong rain is nigh.

Year of snow, fruit will grow.

The chill is on, near and far, in all the months that have an ‘R’.

Rainbow at noon, more rain soon.

The south wind brings wet weather...the north wind, wet and cold together; the west wind always brings us rain...the east wind blows it back again.

When a cow tries to scratch her ear it means a shower is very near.

Onionskin is very thin, mild winter is coming in. Onionskin is thick and tough winter will be cold and rough.

Ice in November to walk a duck, the winter will be all rain and muck.

Rain before seven, quit by eleven.

When the stars begin to huddle the earth will soon begin to puddle.

Evening red and morning gray speed the traveler on his way. Evening gray and morning red bring down rain upon his head.

Rainbow in the east, sailors at peace. Rainbow in the west, sailors in distress.

Pale moon doth rain, red moon doth blow, white moon doth neither rain nor snow.

When the dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.

Rainbow in the morning, shepherds take warning; rainbow at night, shepherds’ delight.

 

[moreluck]

Baby's First Doctor Visit..........


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know, she said,I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came."

 

[moreluck]

You May Be A Redneck If...

* You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

* You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

* You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

* You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

* You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

* You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

 

[moreluck]

Childbirth at 65 .......


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait unti l he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

 

[moreluck]

Returning home from basic training, our friend's son told us about some of the interesting people he'd met, including one guy nicknamed Airborne.

"Do the guys call him Airborne because he wants to be a paratrooper?" his mother asked.

"No, that's not it," said her son. "He got that name because on his first night, he fell out of the bunk."

 

[moreluck]

CRUISE........

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After awhile, Bob and Tom�s resistance to nature�s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.