Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

THIS WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION!

A man was walking home alone late one night when he
hears a.......




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP... behind him.





Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image
of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle
of the street towards him





BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the
coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...




faster...





faster...




BUMP...





BUMP....




BUMP




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens
the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind
him.




However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the
lid of the coffin clapping ...




clappity-BUMP...





clappity-BUMP...





clappity-BUMP...





clappity-BUMP...





on the heels of the terrified man....





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks
himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is
reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.





With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything
... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!





Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...




... the coffin stops.



CUTE ONE, HUH?

 

[moreluck]

Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding
suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely
honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to
me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While
we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I have been a
hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment, then says, "Have
you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"

 

[moreluck]

YOU'RE KNOW YOU'RE AT AN UPPER-CLASS REDNECK WEDDING IF:

1. There's a tangy bernaise sauce served with the opossum

2. The bride's gift registry specifies no rebuilt truck parts

3. The fiddler has waxed his bow, his truck, his boots and his mustache for the festivities

4. None of the girls lined up to catch the bouquet is pregnant

5. No one is allowed on the dance floor barefooted

6. The couple's honeymoon plans include a hotel room stay overnight

7. The kids get a separate hotel room

8. All road kill served in the buffet has been USDA approved

9. The rental limousine has 4 wheel drive

10. Friends, family and guests are de-loused as they enter the wedding hall

11. The preacher removes his hat before starting the ceremony

12. The bingo game at the other end of the hall is stopped for the ceremony

13. There are no tractors or mules parked outside

14. The flowers don't have to be returned to the funeral home

15. The bride is all white, except for a few gravy stains on her undershirt

16. The fleet farm boutique has fashion-coordinated the bridesmaid dresses

17. No one in the bride's family appeared in last night's stag party movies

 

[moreluck]

Stockbroker

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

 

[moreluck]

Paradoxes
From George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; moreexperts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies thanever, but have less communication.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, butless fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

 

[traveler]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."

She replied that she did not know, but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car that had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

 

[moreluck]

When Kids are asking:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. * Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. * Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person EVER by then. * Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. * Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. *Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. * Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. * Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. *Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. * Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. * Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. *Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. * Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. * Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? * Kelvin, age 8 "

And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even friend she looks like a truck.

 

[moreluck]

A Beer and a Half

A man walks in a bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a beer and a half of beer. He proceeds to drink the beer and gives the half to the newt which drinks it thirstily. The bartender watches this with interest. This happens on the next two days when the newt is given whiskey and then rum. On the third occasion, the barman remarks "I have never seen a pet like that before, it is fantastic. What do you call it?"

The customer replies " I call it TINY ".

"Oh, why is that?" asks the barman.

"Because it is my-newt!"

 

[moreluck]

Ever wonder where the word comes from?
Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything
was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation of which a byproduct
is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time
someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles
of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.*.T"
on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In
Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks
so that any water that came into the hold would not touch
this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of the word. Neither did I.
I always thought it was a golf term.

 

[moreluck]

Information On Women




Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to
avoid the possibility of getting lost using a
shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the
question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter
(or at least men think it means that). PMS also
stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to
avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-
language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map
to correspond to the direction that they are
heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't
agree with them about it. Women always have 5
pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless
they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man
in a flower shop, you can probably start up a
conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest
towels' and the 'good china'.

All women seek equality with men until it comes to
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and
picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often
respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the
lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by
the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up.
They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap
towards the bowl and then chewing men out because
they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two
seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor
in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't
see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Men can never catch women checking out other men;
women will always catch men checking out other women.

 

[moreluck]

Frustration....

Chris asks his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a random number. When the phone is answered, he asks, "May I speak to Duane, please?"

"There's no Duane here," the person who answered the phone says.

His father hangs up. "That, son, is irritation," he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Duane a second time.

"I told you, there's no Duane here!" shouted the person who answered the phone. "If you call here again, I will report you to the police!"

His father hangs up and says, "That, son, is aggravation."

"Then what's frustration, Dad," Chris asks.

His father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time. "Hi, this is Duane. Have there been any calls for me?" he asks casually.

 

[robonono]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

 

[robonono]

What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"

"Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time.

"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.

 

[moreluck]

Videos from the Self-Help Shelf...

Powerful Microscope, hosted by Seymour Cells

Defending Yourself in the Courtroom, hosted by Iris Mye Case

Safe River Crossing, hosted by Jethro D. Bote

Home Demolition, hosted by Wallace Falling

Curing Hunger Pangs, hosted by Aida Bigg Snacke

TV Alternatives, hosted by Rita Goode Booke

Solving Crimes, hosted by Anita Clew

Protecting Your Valuables, hosted by Jules R. Missing

How to Make Leather Crafts, hosted by Tanya Hide

Giving Class Assembly Speeches, hosted by Audie Torium

How to Sleep in Class While the Teacher Gives Notes, hosted by Chuck Bored

 

[moreluck]

Hearing Problem

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

 

[moreluck]

My Suitcase, Please.
As he checked out of the Hillbilly Hotel, the man suddenly realized he had forgotten his luggage. Turning to the world's slowest bellhop, he shouted, "Run up to room 843 and see if I left my suitcase there."

"Sure thing," drawled the bellhop who started moving slowly towards the elevator.

"Hurry!" the man pleaded. "My plane leaves in ten minutes."

"Whatever you say," said the bellhop, then he disappeared.

Five minutes later the clerk returned, out of breath, and empty-handed.

"Well?" said the man desperately. "Did I leave my suitcase there?"

"Yep, " replied the bellhop happily. "You left it on the bed."

 

[moreluck]

Is There A Club For You? .......


The Yoko club? Oh no.

The German Philosophy club? I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?

The Arafat club? Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club? Noh.

The Quarterback club? I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.

The Compulsive Rhymers club? Okey-dokey.

The Spanish Optometrists club? Si.

The Anti-perspirant club? Sure.

The Pregancy club? Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's club? Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence club? Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group? God willing!

 

[moreluck]

How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

[moreluck]

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

 

[moreluck]

WOW!!! Hard to imagine

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners,
dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then
lived together. Every family had a father and a
mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title
"Sir.' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger
privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family
spent together in the evenings and weekends-not
purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.....

And how old do you think this grandmother is?

This Woman would be only 58 years old!