Heard any good ones?

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moreluck

golden ticket member
California -156 years ago!

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in
California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like
California today except the women had real
breasts and men didn't hold hands.

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

They both look out their caves and see rubble.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Golf

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss about....?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
New Study

A Scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late :)
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Blind man ....

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help."

A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it.

He returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins.

The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it.

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.

The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Buggy

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The master plan is as follows.........

Let all the women who want to marry women get married.

Let all the men who want to marry men get married.

In three generations there won't be anymore Democrats
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Worse Off Than You ...

I've got an older uncle who's ninety-two, and I've learned something about that age: their whole social life is going to funerals. Somebody dies, they call a date. "Hey, Margaret, Bob died. We're all going, the whole gang." And why not? The funeral home is a great place to go when you're ninety-two: free parking, well-lit, somebody opens the door, free coffee downstairs, and there's always somebody a little worse off than you.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
daffy-nitions .......

Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag.

Locate: Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.

Tangent: A man who spends a lot of time at the beach

Welfare for crocodiles: Gator-Aide

Rubberneck: What you do for your wife after she has had a stressful day

Slow Down Feathers: From the chest of a not-so-fast goose

Versatile: Poetry on the roof.

Axis: What hillbillies use to chop wood.

Maritime: June for many couples

Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Attitude......

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."? So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Look .....

Look at the world around you, and you'll see God's creativity;

Look at the dinner table, and you'll see God's providence;

Look at the mirror, and you'll see God's sense of humor.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
My Appetite is My Shepherd


My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Fitness Program?

While an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resource manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, stabbing others in their backs, and pushing their luck!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
No one believes seniors.... everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had
married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood
after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked so they
entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love
you Sally."

On the way home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing
at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they
took it home. There she counted the money, $50,000.

Andy said "We've got to give it back."

Sally said "Finders keepers" and put the money back in the bag and hid
it in the attic.

The next day 2 FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money
and knocked on their door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured
car yesterday?"

Sally said "No."

Andy said "She's lying she's hid it in the attic."

Sally said "Don't believe him he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says "Tell us the
story from the beginning."

Andy said "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns and says "We're outta here."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A Frustrated Mom.....

1.Your children know how to read HTML code but can't operate a vacuum cleaner.

2.Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't even remember the question.

3.You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.

4.Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!".

5.You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink.

6.You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you meant to say "bed" time.

7.The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you.

8.You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children.

9.It's finally your turn on the computer and "Touched by an Angel" is just coming on.

10.You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A businessman was considering a lawsuit against a rival, but wasn't sure he could win it. He went to see his attorney and laid out the case.

"It's ironclad," the lawyer said. "We can't possible lose."

"Then we won't sue," the businessman concluded. "I just gave you my opponent's side of the case."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Unbelievable

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments! And you thought your day was not going well?
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Genie .....

A man was walking along the beach and found an old Genie lamp. He immediately started rubbing it. Sure enough a genie pops out and before the startled man can say anything the Genie turns him into a crab. Another man saw what happened and he asked the Genie why he turned the man into a crab before he could say anything? The Genie said, Aww he just rubbed me the wrong way.
 
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