Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

What Dogs Do for Us

Catch Frisbees

Keep a night alone from being truly lonely

Get us outside on beautiful fall days, rainy days and snowy winter days

Listen to our singing

Treat us like celebrities when we come home

Warm up our beds on cold nights

Make our hearts more vigorous

Alert us to the arrival of mail

Help us live a little longer

Make us smile

Agree with everything we say

Warm our knees with their chins

Provide a use for old tennis balls

Signal when a thunderstorm is coming

Pull sleds

Help lower our blood pressure

Test how fast we can run

Keep the squirrels from overtaking our yards

Teach us the meaning of unconditional love.

~ Published in Ann Landers Newspaper column

 

[moreluck]

One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished -- something's up.

It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex..


The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.


"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."


"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."

 

[moreluck]

golf ......


Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me." The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees .

 

[moreluck]

Men vs. Women...How To Shower......





[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]How to Shower Like A Woman [/FONT]


[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]laundry hamper according to lights and darks. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]areas. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]make mental note to do more sit-ups. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]with 43 added vitamins. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]on hair for 15 minutes. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]for 10 minutes until red. [/FONT]


[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]cake body wash. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]10. Rinse conditioner off hair. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]11. Shave armpits and legs. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]12. Turn off shower. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]mold spots with Tilex. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]towel on head. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]exposed areas. [/FONT]


[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]AND NOW....... [/FONT]


[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]How To Shower Like A Man [/FONT]


[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]bed and leave them in a pile. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]sound. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]scratch your ass. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]4. Get in the shower. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]5. Wash your face. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]6. Wash your armpits. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]rinse them off. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]how loud they sound in the shower. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]9. Spend majority of time washing privates and [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]surrounding area. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]stuck on the soap. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]11. Shampoo your hair. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]12. Make a shampoo mohawk. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]13. Pee. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]14. Rinse off and get out of shower. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]16. Admire wiener size in mirror again. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]light and fan on. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her [/FONT]
[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. [/FONT]

[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]19. Throw wet towel on bed. [/FONT]





[FONT=Lucida Handwriting, Cursive]--------------------------------- [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

** LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES **

AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five).

DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by ex- ceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will.

OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

 

[moreluck]

Bubba

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

 

[moreluck]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY

INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10 She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR

CLEAVAGE<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O></O>

 

[moreluck]

What do you see when the smog clears in southern California?

U.C.L.A.

 

[moreluck]

How's your Job At.......

How's your job at the clock company? Only time will tell.

How's your job on the new highway? I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

How's your job at the travel agency? I'm going nowhere.

How's your job at the pie company? It didn't pan out.

How's your job at the crystal ball company? I'm making a fortune.

How's your job on the farm? Problems keep cropping up.

How's your job at the sewing shop? Hanging on by a thread.

How's your job at the eye glasses clinic? I have clear job objectives

 

[moreluck]

Texans.....

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything but my earrings."
(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

 

[moreluck]

Mike meets Ed at the bar for a drink after work. Mike really looks down in the dumps.

Ed asks, "Why the long face? Bad day at work?"

"Yeah," replies Mike. "You know sometimes I wish I worked for the Pope instead of my boss."

"Why is that," asks Ed.

Mike sighs and says, "Cause then I would only have to kiss his ring."

 

[moreluck]

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. AsThe TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
Book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
State Police Ball ." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have
balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[moreluck]

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Myrtle. He tiptoed quietly toward the
stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, he sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall
mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full
box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Myrtle staring at
him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
He said, "Why do you say such a mean thing to me?" "Well," she said, <O</O

"It could be the open front door,
It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
It could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror." <O></O>

 

[moreluck]

First Fisherman: "Is this a good lake for fish?"

Second Fisherman: "It must be. I can't get any of them to come out."

 

[moreluck]

Detective Wong .....

Suspecting his wife of having an affair with another man, a husband hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Wong, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, the husband received this report:

Most Hon'ble Sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.

He and she leave house.
I follow.

He and she get on train.
I follow.

He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.

He strip she.
She strip she.

He play with she.
She play with he.

I play with me.
Fall out of tree.

No see.
No fee.

 

[moreluck]

Quiet Speech ​

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

 

[moreluck]

Hard working Husband


Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

 

[moreluck]

Dog Creation....

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

 

[moreluck]

What The Drink Says About The Man......

Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get lucky.
Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get lucky.

Imported Beer: He likes expensive beer and wants to get lucky.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get lucky.

Vodka: Extremely horny hound would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get lucky.

Whisky: He does not give two craps about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting lucky.

Southern Comfort: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting lucky.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I am gonna go shag something with a pulse.

Barcardi Breezer/Hooch/Malibu: He is gay.