- Status
moreluck
golden ticket member
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than many do, to our amusement. Here are some more of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect to get it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect to get it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
moreluck
golden ticket member
If Women Ruled the World...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Toothache.....
A man has a toothache, so he goes to see his dentist.
After examining the tooth, the dentist tells the man he is going to have to give him an injection for the pain.
The man says, "No way! I don't want an injection."
The dentist replies, "OK, I'll give you gas."
"Noooo!" shrieks the man. "I don't want any gas."
"Fine," says the dentist, "I'm going to give you some Viagra!"
"Viagra?" exclaims the man. "What for?"
"You're going to need something to hang on to when I pull your tooth!"
A man has a toothache, so he goes to see his dentist.
After examining the tooth, the dentist tells the man he is going to have to give him an injection for the pain.
The man says, "No way! I don't want an injection."
The dentist replies, "OK, I'll give you gas."
"Noooo!" shrieks the man. "I don't want any gas."
"Fine," says the dentist, "I'm going to give you some Viagra!"
"Viagra?" exclaims the man. "What for?"
"You're going to need something to hang on to when I pull your tooth!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
things to know:
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2."
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries...)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look- alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2."
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries...)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look- alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
moreluck
golden ticket member
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM DRINKING COFFEE......
I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
Better latte than never.
A day without coffee is like night...you sleep through it.
We all have to do the daily grind.
Espresso yourself.
Automatic drip defines most people's personalities.
Stand your grounds.
If the spoon doesn't dissolve, it isn't coffee.
Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.
Who needs sleep when you've got coffee?
There's no rest for the caffeinated.
Decaf is for sissies.
Man cannot live by coffee alone, donuts are pretty essential too.
It's okay to be full of beans sometimes.
I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
Better latte than never.
A day without coffee is like night...you sleep through it.
We all have to do the daily grind.
Espresso yourself.
Automatic drip defines most people's personalities.
Stand your grounds.
If the spoon doesn't dissolve, it isn't coffee.
Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.
Who needs sleep when you've got coffee?
There's no rest for the caffeinated.
Decaf is for sissies.
Man cannot live by coffee alone, donuts are pretty essential too.
It's okay to be full of beans sometimes.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Priest, Pentecostal & Rabbi.....
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
moreluck
golden ticket member
WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL.........
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
moreluck
golden ticket member
You Know You're A Biker When...
Your best friends are named after animals.
You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
Your three piece suit is Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
Your garage has more square footage than your house.
Your best friends are named after animals.
You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
Your three piece suit is Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
Your garage has more square footage than your house.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male......
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
mountaingoat
Well-Known Member
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Where Does That Time Go?.................
Seven years in a bathroom.
Six years eating.
Five years waiting in line.
Four years cleaning house.
Three years preparing meals.
Two years trying to return telephone calls to people who aren't there to receive them.
One year searching for misplaced things.
Eight months opening junk mail.
Seven years in a bathroom.
Six years eating.
Five years waiting in line.
Four years cleaning house.
Three years preparing meals.
Two years trying to return telephone calls to people who aren't there to receive them.
One year searching for misplaced things.
Eight months opening junk mail.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Thankyou....
Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we- never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric butt-muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero- transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we- never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric butt-muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero- transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Cat or Dog ....
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a DOG!
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks allover you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...
Get a CAT
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a DOG!
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks allover you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...
Get a CAT
moreluck
golden ticket member
Texas Talkin'.....
Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
Onced and twiced are words.
Coldbeer is one word.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.
Fix-in-to is one word.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.
"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two.
"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes or hours.
You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.
Sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.
All four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal- Martin" or "off to Wally-world."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili- eatin' weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.
Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
Onced and twiced are words.
Coldbeer is one word.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.
Fix-in-to is one word.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.
"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two.
"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes or hours.
You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.
Sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.
All four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal- Martin" or "off to Wally-world."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili- eatin' weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.
moreluck
golden ticket member
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
[FONT=arial,helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
[FONT=arial,helvetica]. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I like you! You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I'm not being rude. You're just insignifigant.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Too many freaks, not enough circuses[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]You say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of [/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]self-control?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]. Do they ever shut up on your planet?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I'm not your type I'm not inflatable[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Earth is full. Go home.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Awe, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert![/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
[FONT=arial,helvetica]. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I like you! You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I'm not being rude. You're just insignifigant.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Too many freaks, not enough circuses[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]You say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of [/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]self-control?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]. Do they ever shut up on your planet?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I'm not your type I'm not inflatable[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Earth is full. Go home.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Awe, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert![/FONT]
[/FONT]
moreluck
golden ticket member
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service,
his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the
little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
*****
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide
that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and
yell, than to sit and listen."
his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the
little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
*****
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide
that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and
yell, than to sit and listen."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not an
American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work!"
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not an
American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
When Will I Die?
[FONT=Verdana,]Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".[/FONT]
- Status
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