One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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What do you get when you offer a liberal a penny for his thoughts? Change.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and government bonds? Government bonds will mature someday.

What do you call a basement full of liberals? A whine cellar.

What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare? A URLologist.

What’s Obama’s new slogan in these tough times? Spare Change You Can Believe In!

 

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I'm told it's right wing meme, so I put it here......

 

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• Of course I know how to shut up. I just never know when to.

• My favorite color is chocolate.

I’ve decided I’m going to start living my life to the fullest. Hey… Can you pass me that remote control?

• LIKE if you hate when you… say something funny & then someone says it louder & gets the credit.

• Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

• Coffee is like an early morning kick in the attitude.

 

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1. If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we’d find them in about 15 minutes.
   
2. I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you’re low on ammunition.
3. R2D2′s headstone: “Rust In Peace”
4. Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow.
5. I hit the control key but I’m still not in control.
6. The Beach: “How you dune?” The Ocean: “Swell!”
7. I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

 

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And they said it wouldn't last......'Kimye' celebrate their 8 day wedding anniversary.

 

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Argus Hamilton:

Nancy Pelosi put five Democrats on the House committee looking into the Benghazi attack. They want to know where Obama and Hillary were that night during the consulate attack. They already asked Joe Biden where he was between nine and twelve, and he replied the third grade.

President Obama said he didn't know anything about the VA hospital scandal till he read it in the news. It's true. He was too busy not knowing anything about the IRS scandal, the Benghazi scandal, and the AP spying scandal to not know anything about the Benghazi scandal.

 

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T-Shirt sayings:

I have OCD & ADD.....so everything has to be perfect but not for long.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this crap is not what I expected.

Geezer: slang...Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in between.

You people must be exhausted from watching me do everything.

Retired and down to one boss. MY WIFE.

 

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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.....and spiders.

It was me.....I let the dogs out !

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

 

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Sayings on shirts......

Most men are like tires....bald and over-inflated.

Lead me not into temptation.......oh hell, just follow me I know a shortcut !

Step aside coffee....this is a job for alcohol.

 

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T-Shirt sayings......

I'm having one of those days when my middle finger is answering every question.

I'm awesome. Don't question it. Just deal with it.



Let's eat grandma.
Let's eat, grandma.
_______
Commas save lives !

 

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More t-shirt sayings.......

Never trust atoms.
They make up everything.

I could be a morning person if morning happened at noon.

I am a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.

 

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T-Shirt sayings....

Prayer: The world's greatest wireless connection.


Ask Grandpa Anything....I know a lot and when I don't, I can provide
you with really good made up answers.


Being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique.

 

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• Having nothing to say has never stopped most people from saying it.

• My life is like a fairy tale. It’s Grimm.

• Most stress is caused by three things; family, money and family with no money.

• You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.

• I know alcohol is never the answer, but it’s always my best guess.

• My life coach just benched me.

• I’d live my life in the fast lane but I’m married to a speed bump.

• Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

 

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma ?

There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

 

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Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Adrenalin is my drug of choice.

Adults are just kids with money.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

All generalizations are false.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

 

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Note To Self: just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.

Go Green - drink more margaritas.

I underthink everything.

 

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Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey , if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"