One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago, and he comes to me this summer and he goes, 'Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell my kid he's going to be held back a year.' I was like, 'I guess you better tell him slowly so the little will get it.'

 

[moreluck]

"We have become a nation of promiscuous punctuators.....When a single point denotes basic human warmth, more points are needed to convey enthusiasm (!!), even more to convey excitement (!!!), and more still to convey giddiness (Prime Rib Sunday (!!!!)."
~Megan Garber~

 

[upsoldtimer]

The difference between "Complete" & "Finished"
"When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.'
And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished."

 

[oldngray]

http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/2014/07/lego-representations-of-american-states.html

 

[moreluck]

I invented a new word......plagiarism !
(M.R. internet)

 

[moreluck]

Two Old Men


How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

 

[moreluck]

A friend tells the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

[moreluck]

How Would You Like it


A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with her tirade. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him:

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied: "That would be fine with me"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[moreluck]

Talking Clock


Scott was showing some friends his apartment.

Glenn asked "What's that big brass basin for?"

"That's the talking clock!" Scott answered.

So Glenn gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off, it's 2 a.m., you idiot!"

 

[moreluck]

Poisonous Mushrooms


A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[moreluck]

A Salesman


A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the boy, "Is your mother home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do YOU think?"

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS YOU CHOSE A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

 

[moreluck]

Poor Dumb Beast


Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break"?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

 

[moreluck]

Something Unusual


The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Jimmy got up to read his, "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Ms. Roseapple, "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," replied Jimmy, "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

 

[moreluck]

Groaner Alert


Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient woke up, sat up and demanded to know what was going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon replied.

The patient grabbed his hand and said, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor handed him the needle and said, "Suture self."

 

[moreluck]

Two Quarters


Mother gave Jimmy two quarters. One was for his Sunday School offering and the other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.

Jimmy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down. This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden he missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.

Jimmy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God."

 

[moreluck]

Sick Hick


A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

 

[moreluck]

Morning Newspaper


A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

 

[moreluck]

Church Banner


A church was preparing for Easter services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.


The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later: "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide".