One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, 'Who wrote this?'

 

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Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.”

 

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After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board, said the minister.
I know, said the man. If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him.

 

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A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God is coming --
and is SHE pissed!"

 

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“I know a lot of jokes about bad pole-vaulters, but none of them seem to go over very well.”

 

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I wish there was a button on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They've got one called "brightness", but it doesn't work, does it? (Gallagher)

 

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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

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A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”

 

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My husband and I were at our lawyer's office to sign our wills. After we'd reviewed them, our lawyer leaned over his desk with pen in hand and asked, "Now, who's going to go first?"

 

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My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

 

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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

 

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Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.
That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

 

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A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them.
Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

 

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

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Divers work under pressure.

 

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There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

 

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“Did you hear about the man who got killed by a bear? It was a grizzly death.”

 

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“If someone fails doing the Heimlich, is it fair to say that he choked?”