One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!.......

'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'

'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'

'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'

'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

 

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Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

 

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Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas
In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

 

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There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

 

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Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson's house?
A: She picked his locks.

Q: Why didn't Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.

Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn't want to split hairs.

 

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“My dog has an attitude. He is a cocky spaniel.”

 

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People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement
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Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

 

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There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

 

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

 

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“Beware of lumberjacks bearing dull tools. They usually have an axe to grind!”

 

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“When it comes to dancing, no one can just waltz in and learn instantly. Sometimes it takes a quick-step, or sometimes you need to hustle around. But eventually anyone can get the swing of it.”

 

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Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead.
In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course, but they look terrific.

 

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Love vs Marriage....

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a long, hot ride.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothings in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank.

Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

 

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Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. "Ah! Breakfast in bed."