One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

 

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My granddaughter had just turned five when my wife asked whether she was being a good girl. After a deep sigh and a thoughtful pause, she responded, "You know, I'm doing the best I can."

 

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A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said."That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham.""Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"

 

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.

 

[moreluck]

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

 

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“The invention of dynamite sure was ground breaking.”

 

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Calling home, the traveling vacuum cleaner salesman complained to his wife that he'd gotten two orders that day.
"But darling," she declared, "that's wonderful!"
"Not so wonderful," he glumly corrected. "The first was 'Get out' and the second was 'Stay out.'"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!

 

[moreluck]

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

 

[moreluck]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

[moreluck]

My sister was with two men in one night.
She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine? Two dinners!

 

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A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

 

[moreluck]

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer. ”One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”

 

[moreluck]

I'm done with dating sites.....I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know

 

[moreluck]

I'm done with dating sites.....I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know

 

[moreluck]

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

 

[moreluck]

A woman walked into a library and wondered whether they had any books about paranoia. The librarian replied, "They're right behind you."

 

[moreluck]

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."