One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."

 

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway..


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

[moreluck]

WEBMD is updating its server because of a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, heart murmur, gallstones or possibly appendicitis.

 

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“What do you call the family of a water pump?
Pump-Kin

 

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A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

 

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I asked my 91 year old father, "Dad, what were your good old days?"
His thoughtful reply: "When I wasn't good, and I wasn't old."

 

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“An anesthesiologist is a real knock-out.”

 

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MUSICIAN: Someone who packs $5000 worth of gear into a car and drives 100 miles to make $50.

 

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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if...


Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

 

[moreluck]

The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: "You are a great uncle!"
He texted me back right away: "Thank you, what did I do?"

 

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A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you maroon!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

 

[moreluck]

A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”

 

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It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

 

[moreluck]

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

 

[moreluck]

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?
Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

 

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A jealous guy caught his girlfriend talking quietly on the phone and immediately confronted her over his suspicions.
"Who was that you were talking to?" he demanded. "Is there somebody else?"
"Of course not," she groaned. "Do you honestly think I'd be going out with a loser like you if there was somebody else?"

 

[moreluck]

“I used to be a demolition expert - it was a blast.”

 

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Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!

 

[moreluck]

Two women were sitting on the front porch of the farm house when they saw a rooster chasing a hen. The hen ran straight into the road and was killed by a passing car.
One of the women sighed, "How beautiful. She'd rather die."