One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

 

[moreluck]

I told my kids that we are no longer saying “shut up” because it sounds mean and can hurt people’s feelings. So my kids are getting creative with their use of words. My 9-year-old daughter was talking and talking, and my 6-year-old son couldn’t take it anymore and said, “SILENCE YOU PEASANT!”

 

[moreluck]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

 

[moreluck]

“When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent."

 

[moreluck]

One day a blonde and Brunette where out for a drive in the Blonde's new car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled out in front of them.
The Blonde then put her lips to the steering wheel.
The Brunette fearing for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What the hell are you doing that for?"
The Blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

 

[moreluck]

“Ever since I switched to wrinkle free shirts my laundry issues have been less pressing.”

 

[moreluck]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, 'You have a drink called Steve?'

 

[moreluck]

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

 

[moreluck]

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

[moreluck]

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

 

[moreluck]

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

 

[moreluck]

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

 

[moreluck]

Him: There is one word that will make me the happiest man in the world. Will you marry me?
Her: No!
Him: That's the word!

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

“There was a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners I passed by. It read: 'So-and-So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years.'”

 

[moreluck]

Question: Schwartznegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time,what is it?






Answer: A last name

 

[Whitelexus]

Bar manager asks his bartender if he’s sleeping with the other bartender. Bartender says, “no.” Bar manager says, “good, then you go fire her!”

 

[moreluck]

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

 

[moreluck]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

 

[moreluck]

If Only...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him tomarry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marryHerman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop DoggyDogg Pooh.
G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced himto marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and marriedGregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), KingOscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.