One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Our dog Daisy, sleeps about 20 hours a day.
Her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her .
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood on Park Ave., in an Apartment that is much larger than she needs, and she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
............Our dog Daisy is a Democrat!

 

[moreluck]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

 

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Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town!

 

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Home is where you hang your @.

 

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Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

 

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A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

 

[moreluck]

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection
Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

 

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[moreluck]

>Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

>Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

>Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

>Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

>Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

>Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

>Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

>Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

>Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
>Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
>Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
>Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
>First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
>Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
>Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
>Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
>Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
>Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
>Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
>Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
>Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
>Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
>Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
>Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
>Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
>Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

 

[moreluck]

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've WokeUp With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm ScaredShe'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That ChewedMy Ass All Day

 

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Two old men - Bert and Harry - were sitting quietly in a bar.
"When was the last time you made love to a woman?" Bert asked Harry.
"1945," replied Harry.
"My goodness!" exclaimed Bert. "That's a long time ago."
"Not really," said Harry, glancing at his watch. "It's only twenty past eight now

 

[moreluck]

Pamela: "You're half an hour late. I've been standing here like a fool."
Candance: "I can't help how you stand."

 

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

 

[moreluck]

Jim Gaffigan: Bottled Water
How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

 

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A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving the clerk says, "Come again."
The blonde stops and says, "No, it's mustard this time."

 

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http://thechive.com/2014/10/09/honestly-its-really-hard-to-argue-with-any-of-this-30-photos/

 

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

 

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My mother's maiden name is 'Password'.

 

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Dora the Explorer...….Have you seen this show? If you havent, its about a five-year-old little Mexican girl thats always lost. It should be called Dora the Amber Alert. (Ralphie May)

 

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A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."