One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legshurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[moreluck]

Where does seaweed look for a job?

In the 'Kelp-wanted' ads!


Why is a fish easy to weigh?

Because it has its own scales!


!Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!


To whom do fish go to borrow money?

The loan shark!

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

Why are single women thinner than married women?

Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.
Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!

 

[moreluck]

I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife?
Great big ones!

Who was the world's greatest thief?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose!

Mr Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well.
Mr Brown: It works!

 

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Sadie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband Moshe copied and retouched.
She said to the technician, "I have always hated the hat that my husband Moshe is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?"

"Of course," said the technician, "What colour hair did your husband have?"
"When you take the hat off, you'll see," she said.

 

[moreluck]

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'

 

[moreluck]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

 

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Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough

 

[moreluck]

A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asks the friend.

“My wife found out!” replied the man.

 

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My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.
She thought she was God.
I disagreed.

 

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“I ordered that a vault and speakers be delivered at my home yesterday. They arrived safe and sound.”

 

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Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

 

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