One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

 

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[Big Arrow Down...D]

What did the snail say riding on the turtles back?











Weeeeee

 

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The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"

 

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A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

 

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Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.

Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.

Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.

 

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A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

 

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“The cardiovascular system is a work of artery, but is also really vein.”

 

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The Judge

A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial.

As a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury.

"The jury," he said, "is to convene to the guilty room."

 

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Stung by a bee
A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"

 

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Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

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You idiot, He said "Cast the nets!"