One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint

 

[moreluck]

I tried to get Fish and Chips insurance, but the agent said their policy doesn't cover Snacks of Cod.

 

[moreluck]

Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”

 

[moreluck]

“I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares.”

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

 

[moreluck]

The biggest joke of all.....you wake up and you're 70!!!
Seems like I fell asleep at 15 or 16 and everything flew by!!
Use that good china, don't put off those dreams. When you catch yourself saying..."some day...." do it now!!

 

[moreluck]

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

 

[moreluck]

Mrs. Applebaum was surprised when she saw her son Burt at home. 'Why are you home from school so early?' asked Mrs. Applebaum.
'I was the only one who could answer a question,” replied Burt.
'Oh, really?” said Mrs. Applebaum proudly. “What was the question?'
'Who threw the eraser at the principal?'

 

[moreluck]

Three-way with the editor of Wikileaks? Aka a Julian Assangewich.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."

 

[moreluck]

"I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go."
~Ted Alexandro~

 

[moreluck]

A kind of weird college professor asked his class a question: "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1060 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2177 miles from Chicago,... how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 44."
The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half nuts."

 

[moreluck]

“Now that looks like a happily married couple,” remarked the husband.
“Don’t be too sure, dear,' began the wife. 'They're probably saying the same thing about us.”

 

[moreluck]

"The wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one."
"How'd you do that?"
"Well, you know when you're done with a big fight your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah."
"I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

 

[moreluck]

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

 

[moreluck]

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

 

[moreluck]

Who built King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

 

[moreluck]

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lakefishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."