One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

“I have written several papers regarding weather effects. I saved them all in the cloud.”

 

[moreluck]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him

 

[moreluck]

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

 

[JustAnotherMike]

A fat penguin ...

 

[oldngray]

I made a chicken salad this morning.

The ungrateful thing didn't even eat it.

 

[moreluck]

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

 

[moreluck]

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:
"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

 

[moreluck]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, 'Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?'
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, 'I guess you'd be eating alone.'

 

[moreluck]

“I couldn't think of a grate cheese pun so I thought a mature one would brie better.”

 

[moreluck]

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

 

[moreluck]

“A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.”

 

[moreluck]

Wyoming Crazy Law:

• You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.

• It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.

• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

Cheyenne

• Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

 

[moreluck]

“I lost my rare deck of Tarot cards. I was sad. They cost me a fortune.”

 

[moreluck]

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.

 

[moreluck]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 

[Future]

“I lost my rare deck of Tarot cards. I was sad. They cost me a fortune.”