MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
As you know, fuel prices have dropped approximately 50% since 2013, and since our business is extremely fuel-intensive, this adds profit to our operation. And, as always, we will do what is right for our employees and reinvest most of this "bonus" profit back into our aircraft fleet, and the majority of the rest as dividends to our beloved stockholders. Since your upper management team is fully responsible for the world drop in fuel prices, we have decided to give ourselves raises, starting with myself, at 12%. Dave, Matt, and anyone else who matters will be receiving a similar hike in pay.
Hourly employees, however, will receive no raise, and that's because lower fuel prices have also lowered your cost of living. In fact, we'll be implementing wage rollbacks because your are now severely overpaid. MT3 has been telling me that "Friday Pace" is now "Everyday Pace", and that's unacceptable. You will give me 110% effort every single day or you will be terminated...simple as that. It's only because I care so deeply that I'd do this.
Consider all we do for you. FedEx has purchased thousands of new vehicles and dozens of new aircraft, all so we can build a solid future at the Express division. You get to experience FedEx pride every day whenever you drive a nice, new Sprinter or Nissan, or gaze up in the sky and see a new FedEx 777 streak past.
With the precipitous drop in fuel prices, I'm making some bold moves.
1. All of our "mothballed" MD10 and DC10 aircraft will be reactivated and take to the skies once again. Our new Boeings will be parked so we don't wear them out prematurely. We will lie and say that they all run on biofuels, when, in fact, they are huge polluters and fuel hogs. At todays fuel prices, screw the environment. We'll still be green on paper and in our ads.
2. We will reduce your hourly wage by 10% effective 2-1-15 to adjust for your lowered cost of living.
3. In addition, we will lower your wage another 5% and put those contributions into a FedEx Fuel program where you get to personally help pay for the fuel your FedEx vehicle uses.
4. Your industry-leading benefits will have the deductibles doubled and co-pays tripled.
5. The 401k match is cancelled effective immediately.
6. FT minimum hours will be lowered to 30 and PT to 15.
7. Code 43 wait time is eliminated.
8. Customers will be charged an additional fuel surcharge to compensate me for all of the high fuel prices over the last several years.
One of the advantages of being a weasel is that I have no conscience...I act strictly on the basis of my instinct to make money. I could care less about you or anyone else for that matter. It's all about me, and my ego. You see, at my level of wealth and power, it's all about getting more. There will never be enough for me. The world is my henhouse, and I'll take as many chickens as I please.
The people I've killed? I don't care. The others who my employees have killed and/or injured through lack of safety or poor training? I don't care about them either. Even though Ground is about as safe as a Pakistani bus line, it makes me money...so I don't care. I'll just buy myself more politicians, hire more attorneys, and tell more lies. It's my nature, and as the world's most powerful weasel, I'll continue to do what is best for me. I don't care about anyone but myself.
So, if you were expecting anything from me following the fuel price reductions, you can forget about it.
I despise all of you and would replace you with robots if I could.
FedEx cares....bwhahahahahahahah!
Your Lord and Master,
Fred
As you know, fuel prices have dropped approximately 50% since 2013, and since our business is extremely fuel-intensive, this adds profit to our operation. And, as always, we will do what is right for our employees and reinvest most of this "bonus" profit back into our aircraft fleet, and the majority of the rest as dividends to our beloved stockholders. Since your upper management team is fully responsible for the world drop in fuel prices, we have decided to give ourselves raises, starting with myself, at 12%. Dave, Matt, and anyone else who matters will be receiving a similar hike in pay.
Hourly employees, however, will receive no raise, and that's because lower fuel prices have also lowered your cost of living. In fact, we'll be implementing wage rollbacks because your are now severely overpaid. MT3 has been telling me that "Friday Pace" is now "Everyday Pace", and that's unacceptable. You will give me 110% effort every single day or you will be terminated...simple as that. It's only because I care so deeply that I'd do this.
Consider all we do for you. FedEx has purchased thousands of new vehicles and dozens of new aircraft, all so we can build a solid future at the Express division. You get to experience FedEx pride every day whenever you drive a nice, new Sprinter or Nissan, or gaze up in the sky and see a new FedEx 777 streak past.
With the precipitous drop in fuel prices, I'm making some bold moves.
1. All of our "mothballed" MD10 and DC10 aircraft will be reactivated and take to the skies once again. Our new Boeings will be parked so we don't wear them out prematurely. We will lie and say that they all run on biofuels, when, in fact, they are huge polluters and fuel hogs. At todays fuel prices, screw the environment. We'll still be green on paper and in our ads.
2. We will reduce your hourly wage by 10% effective 2-1-15 to adjust for your lowered cost of living.
3. In addition, we will lower your wage another 5% and put those contributions into a FedEx Fuel program where you get to personally help pay for the fuel your FedEx vehicle uses.
4. Your industry-leading benefits will have the deductibles doubled and co-pays tripled.
5. The 401k match is cancelled effective immediately.
6. FT minimum hours will be lowered to 30 and PT to 15.
7. Code 43 wait time is eliminated.
8. Customers will be charged an additional fuel surcharge to compensate me for all of the high fuel prices over the last several years.
One of the advantages of being a weasel is that I have no conscience...I act strictly on the basis of my instinct to make money. I could care less about you or anyone else for that matter. It's all about me, and my ego. You see, at my level of wealth and power, it's all about getting more. There will never be enough for me. The world is my henhouse, and I'll take as many chickens as I please.
The people I've killed? I don't care. The others who my employees have killed and/or injured through lack of safety or poor training? I don't care about them either. Even though Ground is about as safe as a Pakistani bus line, it makes me money...so I don't care. I'll just buy myself more politicians, hire more attorneys, and tell more lies. It's my nature, and as the world's most powerful weasel, I'll continue to do what is best for me. I don't care about anyone but myself.
So, if you were expecting anything from me following the fuel price reductions, you can forget about it.
I despise all of you and would replace you with robots if I could.
FedEx cares....bwhahahahahahahah!
Your Lord and Master,
Fred
