Good Quotes

[moreluck]

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

 

[moreluck]

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a "carrier".

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?

Some people might object to filling out the part of our company's job application form that asks "Race." Not one guy. He responded, "Only on the interstate."

People who think they're out of this world always make you wish they were.

 

[moreluck]

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

People tend to forget their duties but remember their rights .

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

 

[moreluck]

One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds.

You breathe in about 7 quarts of air every minute? Good thing it's free.

I was against the construction of tennis courts in a nearby park as I thought they would cause too much racket.

When I questioned a livestock delivery company as to whether or not they could quickly move some donkeys...they said they could haul ass.

 

[moreluck]

You go on vacation to forget things, and opening your suitcase proves it.
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick to it. - Eva Gabor -

With teens in the family, you'll usually find home is where the car isn't.

 

[moreluck]

When love alone acts as your compass, your life is always right on course.

I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some.

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

 

[moreluck]

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.

Why is it people want every machine to be perfectly exact except for the bathroom scale?

Washington bureaucrats have finally figured out how to balance the budget. They're going to tilt the country.

My father, who lived to be 94 years old, used to say, "Keep on walkin' and keep on squawkin'; and don't look back."

 

[moreluck]

Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

"Once you discover that you've been living half a life, the other half will haunt you until you develop it." ~Phillips Brooks~

 

[moreluck]

You can send a message around the world in 1/7 of a second; yet it may take several years to move a simple idea through a 1/4 inch of human skull.

Worry pulls tomorrow's cloud over today's sunshine.

Biscuits and sermons are improved by shortening.

 

[moreluck]

To a man who proudly said, "My ancestors came over on the Mayflower," Will Rogers retorted, "My ancestors were waiting on the beach."

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

You can survive on charm for about 5 minutes...after that, you'd better know something!

Never tell anyone they look tired; it only makes people feel worse.

 

[moreluck]

On a sign outside an automotive tire shop: "Our work is tiring, but we do take brakes."

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free." (P.J. O'Rourke)

Man to family climbing out of the car: "Well, we finally found a parking space. Does anyone remember why we're here?"

 

[Signature Only]

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could

I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
That all the money you've made
Will never buy back your soul.

Bob Dylan
Masters Of War

 

[moreluck]

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." (H. P. Lovecraft)

Wars are made by old men, fought by young men, and suffered by women and children.

 

[moreluck]

Children are like mosquitoes...the minute they stop making noise, they're into something.

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or PH.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." (Fats Domino)

Although the tongue weighs very little, few people are able to hold it.

Many a child who watches television for hours will go down in History...not to mention Arithmetic, English and Geography.

Income is something you can't live without or within.

 

[moreluck]

They call it take-home pay because there is no other place you can afford to go with it.

 

[moreluck]

Hang around doggies and kids, they know how to play.

 

[moreluck]

An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother threw out, and you are now buying back.


Medicine is a great profession, you get a woman to take off her clothes and then you send her husband the bill.

 

[moreluck]

True intelligence very readily conceives of an intelligence superior to its own; and this is why truly intelligent people are modest.

 

[moreluck]

I'm beginning to question my butcher's accuracy. The other day a fly landed on his scale. It weighed four pounds eight ounces!

"If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push- button finger." ~Frank Lloyd Wright~

Who has confidence in himself will gain the confidence of others.

 

[moreluck]

"Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to." (Alfred A. Montapert)

"Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini. They show a lot, but not everything." (Toby Harrah)

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." (Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen)

"Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon." (E.M. Forester)