Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

WHY ? ......

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second
hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we
ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he
find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a
whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for
sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after
light" ?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to
do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote
control when you know
the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a
suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we
use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[flimflam]

" POLITICS AND THE WORLD SERIES "

NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to
court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World
Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press
conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League
Players Union.

"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets
batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we
received and believe we have been denied our right to hit." One claim
specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended
to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that
these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher
percentage were not confused by the pitches.

Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively
reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in
fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year. "The fact
remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to
hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the
Yankees are celebrating prematurely." Major League Baseball has reviewed the
telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes
called by the umpires of each game. "While some of the strikes called
against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to
change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said. Another
portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage,
the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores
of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the
Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly
ours." The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging
in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need
to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."

 

[cheryl]

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate
room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.

I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.

 

[moreluck]

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar....

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf,
turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering
machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones,
fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog
Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '98

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.


December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents"
in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be same height when sitting at his
or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in
confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle
to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen
engaged in last minute Christmas
shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28
Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.

December 29
Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four
computers.

December 30
Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and
spell out Happy New Year as a
greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one
friend in each time zone of the
world as the calendar changes.

 

[moreluck]

Dear Mr. President:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for
Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my

"Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:


1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones,
Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broaddrick.
Did I
leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really
planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to discuss it with them,
but
now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to
know
is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain
sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one
involved does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new
generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag
The
Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look
graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John
Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the
5th
Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying
about Democrat campaign fund raising.


7. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's
from
the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal
convictions
(so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.


8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of
our
foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully
disguised as necessary trips. Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if
you
see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her also.


9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax
money.
I really didn't need it in the first place and I can't think of a more
well
deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel
for
all of your globetrotting. I understand you; the family, and your
cronies
have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other
administration.


God bless America and THANK YOU for spending my taxes so wisely and
frugally.




Sincerely,

A U.S. Citizen

P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing"
the
Internet and making the distribution of this letter possible.

 

[cheryl]

<A HREF="http://www.musiccitymotorsports.com/cgi-bin/af/b.cgi/100563/" TARGET="_top">
Models available through this link</A>

 

[moreluck]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having
been told that there
was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to
purchase a horse and
enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the
going price for a horse was
so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

The preacher decided that he might as well go ahead and
enter it in the races,
and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day,
the racing sheets
carried the following headline: PREACHER'S <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT> SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in another race,
and this time it won. The headlines blared: PREACHER'S <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT>
OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher to
not enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper
printed this headline:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT>.

This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the
preacher to get rid of
the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
neighboring village. The
next day, the headlines announced: NUN HAS BEST <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT> IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. As soon as he was able, he informed the
nun that she would
have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a
farmer willing to buy it for
$10. The paper announced the transaction as: NUN PEDDLES <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT>
FOR TEN
BUCKS.

They buried the bishop the next day.

 

[moreluck]

DEAD DOG

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
countryside
with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and
Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is
dead.
Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for
an
animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll
do
something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic?"

 

[moreluck]

THANKSGIVING POEM

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

 

[moreluck]

SUBSTITUTE PRIEST
A
priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional
unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to
cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know
what to say, but the
priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a
little bit and show him
what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into
the confessional
together.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have
sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says,
"Father, forgive me
for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin
no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I
have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."

 

[moreluck]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange hellos and he
notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have
the biggest diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's
yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 

[moreluck]

Political Poetic Justice

For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:
> >
> >Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
> >The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
> >In early November, the year ought-ought,
> >Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
> >Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
> >All came down to Palm Beach County.
> >What result could have been horrider
> >Than the situation we found in Florider?
> >
> >Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:
> >
> >Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
> >O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
> >While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came yapping,
> >As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
> >"Tis a mess here," we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
> >Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
> >Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
> >One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
> >Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."
> >
> >Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:
> >
> >There once was a U.S. election
> >That called for some expert detection
> >How thousands of pollers
> >Could become two-holers
> >Like outhouses of recollection.
> >
> > Ditto Ogden Nash:
> >
> >I regret to admit that all my knowledge is
> >What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
> >So tell me please, though I hate to troublya
> >Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?
> >
> >Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:
> >
> >I thought that I would never see
> >The networks all so up a tree.
> >
> >Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:
> >
> >O'Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip's not done
> >The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won
> >
> >Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:
> >
> >And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
> >When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry, "'Tis
mine!"
> >When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
> >A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
> >A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.
> >
> >Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:
> >
> >I cannot count them in a box
> >I cannot count them with a fox
> >I cannot count them by computer
> >I will not with a Roto-Rooter
> >I cannot count them card-by-card
> >I will not 'cause its way too hard
> >I cannot count them on my fingers
> >I will not while suspicion lingers
> >I'll leave the country in a jam
> >I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am
> >
> >Dr Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:
> >
> >'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
> >All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports
> >
> >Which leaves the problem:
> >
> >Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
> >Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.
>

 

[moreluck]

Political Poetic Justice
For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:
> >
> >Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
> >The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
> >In early November, the year ought-ought,
> >Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
> >Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
> >All came down to Palm Beach County.
> >What result could have been horrider
> >Than the situation we found in Florider?
> >
> >Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:
> >
> >Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
> >O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
> >While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came yapping,
> >As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
> >"Tis a mess here," we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
> >Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
> >Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
> >One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
> >Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."
> >
> >Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:
> >
> >There once was a U.S. election
> >That called for some expert detection
> >How thousands of pollers
> >Could become two-holers
> >Like outhouses of recollection.
> >
> > Ditto Ogden Nash:
> >
> >I regret to admit that all my knowledge is
> >What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
> >So tell me please, though I hate to troublya
> >Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?
> >
> >Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:
> >
> >I thought that I would never see
> >The networks all so up a tree.
> >
> >Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:
> >
> >O'Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip's not done
> >The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won
> >
> >Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:
> >
> >And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
> >When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry, "'Tis
mine!"
> >When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
> >A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
> >A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.
> >
> >Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:
> >
> >I cannot count them in a box
> >I cannot count them with a fox
> >I cannot count them by computer
> >I will not with a Roto-Rooter
> >I cannot count them card-by-card
> >I will not 'cause its way too hard
> >I cannot count them on my fingers
> >I will not while suspicion lingers
> >I'll leave the country in a jam
> >I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am
> >
> >Dr Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:
> >
> >'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
> >All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports
> >
> >Which leaves the problem:
> >
> >Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
> >Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.
>

 

[moreluck]

33 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE:


1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends
in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with
your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder
to your TV
and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and
announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
in all
weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as
part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue
your
neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch
with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and copy
them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and
see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard,
and tell the neighbors you are a
"spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your
sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying
more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action
in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Send really long joke e-mails to all the people you
know.

 

[moreluck]

INSURANCE>>>

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for
coronary surgery. The operation went
well, and
as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was
reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by
his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said
while patting his hand. "We do have to
know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster
nun.", said the man.

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."

The man said with a smile,
"Okay, then bill my brother-in-law."

 

[moreluck]

Nun Fantasy

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want
to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend
me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm
sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that: #1, you have to be single and #2
you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,
I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But
when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied,
I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bruce and
I'm on my way to a Halloween party.

 

[vic]

Al Gore has announced another of his inventions: Al Gore Golf

Following are the Official Rules of AL Gore Golf as published by the USGGA (United States Gore Golfing Association).
1. Mulligans: You get as many as you want. In other words, hit until you get a shot you like ( or run out of balls). This applies to every shot including putts. However, there is a restriction on this Rule: You are limited to the number of balls you and your caddy can carry onto the course. If you run out, you can't send out for a fresh supply.
2. Improving your lie: If your first attempt at a good lie isn't quite good enough, improve on it and do it again (and again, and again) until you get it right. Some spectators in the gallery will always support you. If after a few mulligans you start to get tired, you can put the ball on a tee and claim an exemption under Rule 9. below.
3. Putting: If you miss a putt because of a green break or a bad read, it's ok to claim that the ball made a mistake and intended to break into the hole and you get to claim that the putt was made. Unfortunately this applies only to putts that stop within 10 ft. of the hole. If the putt stops more that 10 ft. away from the hole you have to go back under Rule 1 above and take the putt over. Naturally, you don't have to count the first putt.
4. Water hazards: Since the majority of golfers hate water hazards and wish they weren't there, you get to claim "The will of the people should prevail" if you hit into one and you get a free drop nearer the hole. This free drop nearer the hole is to help speed up play and to preserve your supply of balls.
5. Sand Bunkers: Since "There is no controlling legal authority" covering sand bunkers, you get to do whatever you want should you hit into one. Don't worry, Janet Reno will protect you from the USGA and the Golf Gods.
6. Rough: If your ball happens to roll off the fairway into the rough, you get to move it back onto the fairway. You just know that the course designers "Intent" was for you to never have to play out of the rough. It is there merely to prevent your ball from rolling into the grunge where it is lost forever.
7. Scoring: If your score still isn't to your liking after following the above rules, you can always blame it on the score card claiming it was misleading, confusing, and made deliberately vague with the intent to get you to write in the wrong score. Therefore, you and your caddy get to keep recounting your strokes until you come up with a score you like.
8. Pace of Play: Forget everything you have heard about pace of play. You can take as long as you want on every shot and for the full round. Having to play a round of golf in 4 hours just isn't fair to you and you don't have to pay any attention to that locally imposed ridiculous rule. If the course Pro doesn't like it, take him to court and sue. You can always find some Judge who plays "Al Gore Golf" who will agree with you.
9. Fairness: The Al Gore Fairness Rule is a catchall and covers every contingency that the other Rules overlook. Basically, it allows you to do anything you want to do under the doctrine of "Fairness". It doesn't matter if no one else thinks what you do is fair, because "Fairness" is only in the eye of the beholder and you get to define it as it applies to you.
10. If all else fails, you can impose on Bill Daley (of Chicago Daley fame) to caddy for you and Jesse Jackson to lead the cheering section. This will assure you of winning your match regardless of how well (or poorly) you play under the above Rules.

 

[vic]

Tipper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her
husband's great-great uncle, Gunther Gore, a fellow lacking in character,
was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The
only known photograph of Gunther shows him standing on the gallows. On the
back of the picture is this inscription:

"Gunther Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped
1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives,
convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting Al Gore and his staff of professional image
consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Gunther's picture,
scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing
software so that all that's seen is a head shot.

The accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated
Press as follows:

"Gunther Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets
and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he
devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he
was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton
Detective Agency. In 1889, Gunther passed away during an important civic
function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

 

[moreluck]

Wagon Wheels

There was once ths little boy pulling a wagon down the street. As he
went along, the back
left wheel fell off. The boy said, "gosh darn!".
A nearby preacher said, "son, don't say that.
Instead, use 'God help me'". The boy put the
wheel in the wagon and went on.

Before he could get very far, the back right
wheel fell off and again he said, "gosh darn!".
The preacher reminded him not to say that
again. He put the other wheel in the wagon and
went on his way.

Soon after that, the front left wheel came off.
Again, in frustration, the little boy says, "God
damn!". The preacher still hears him and asked
him to please uste the term "God help me".
Then he put the wheel in the wagon.

A few minutes later the last wheel fell off.
The little boy exclaimed, "God help me!!"

All the wheels popped back onto the wagon and
the preacher said, "gosh darn!!"

 

[moreluck]

The Palm Beach Pokey...

THE PALM BEACH POKEY
You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!
>>