Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Beer Masters.......

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

[moreluck]

The Twelve Days of Christmas Cutbacks



Effective immediately, the following economizing measures

are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of

Christmas" subsidiary:



1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which
never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by

a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in

maintenance;


2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply

not cost effective. In addition, their romance during

working hours could not be condoned. The positions are,

therefore, eliminated;


3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;



4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis
is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they talked;

5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as
well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear
to be in order;

6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example
of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be
let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that, from now on, every
goose it gets will be a good one;



7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen
in better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be

retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their
outplacement;

8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in
the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
and can no longer do the steps;

10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of
Lords, plus the expense of international air travel,
prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing
this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;

11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with
a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms,
will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom
line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted
people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though
incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over
twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal
profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a
decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if
seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

[moreluck]

Making the Rounds​

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

 

[moreluck]

Tales of the E.R.................


EIGHT EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the

lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Ma cDonal d, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths ' , I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I' m running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'


Submitted by Dr. Steve n Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY---

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further

embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorr y.
Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[moreluck]

Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian
student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth
grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham
Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows
more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put
his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm
gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese
Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck
this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little
. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, 'Oh , we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the
American people

 

[moreluck]

Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said
to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but
notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said:
"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought........ but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS ..... but I was wrong".

 

[moreluck]

My score was 19

MEMORY TEST!

This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average
score is 12. It will help if you are over 60! This one will be
difficult for
the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward
this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let
them know your score. Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good
luck youngsters.


1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
friend. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
friend. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have m! et the
enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
friend. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.

A. Good nigh Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
friend. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
friend. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denv er was
Dobie's
friend...

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
friend. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fireD. J oin the choir
E. Jump up higher
friend. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending
battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois
Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
friend. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
friend. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
friend. Help! H elp!
G. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to
trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
friend. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared ! in a te levision commercial
wearing women's stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
friend. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...

A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
friend. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
friend. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable
B. Mar y Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
friend. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve , George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, Geor! ge, Rin go
friend. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..


A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
friend. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
friend. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star
today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B.Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
friend. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you! fat D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
friend. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors



Below are the right answers:




1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. friend - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. friend - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
Don't forget to put yo! ur scor e in the subject line,
when you forward this on.

 

[rod]

One wrong--#3

 

[moreluck]

Rod,
That's the one I missed too. I just never read Pogo in the funny papers.

 

[dilligaf]

I missed three. Not to bad for forty something!LOL

 

[an anonymous guest]

I knew them all, what does that make me? I would have missed the 'POGO' also, exept we used to use it at UPS all the time during the 'Call to Action' days.....

Go UPS!
P71

 

[moreluck]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[moreluck]

The Importance of Walking.......

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old,
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.....Apparently you have to go there

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years.....just getting over
the hill.

You could run this over to your friends,
but why not just e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more
information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND.....
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a
Happy Hour, and by the time I leave, I look just fine!

 

[Big Babooba]

Home Depot For Women
>
> Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary to Home Depot.
>
> At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
>
> When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked 'How much for
that faucet?'
>
> Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
>
> 'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then
she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to
> buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
>
> From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that
hinge?'
>
> Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

 

[DownsizedUPS'er]

i have seen bumper stickers that say "UPS drivers come three times"

 

[moreluck]

"All things happen for a reason"

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it
only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the
sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away And the
real pains in the ass are permanent.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who
knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!

 

[moreluck]

Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's
home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were
married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual
orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and
said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."

 

[moreluck]

Making Babies......​

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.
After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?"
"No," said the mother.
"Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher.
"So HOW DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter.
Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship.........

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.