Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Aussie Humor............


The thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in
the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was asked
on a local live radio talk show just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car battery will save just
one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.

 

[moreluck]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.





GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

 

[DownsizedUPS'er]

police department toilet stolen, cops have nothing to go on.

 

[moreluck]

Miranda Rights


A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.



She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can, and will be held against you."



The drunk replies, "Tits."

 

[moreluck]

Advanced Calculation.............

Here's an interesting mathematical equation that someone sent me the other
day:

Pick up a calculator and consecutively enter the numbers of your birthday.

Add 754.

Subtract 753.

Add 1.

Now, divide this number by yesterday's date and add 59 to the total.

Subtract 59.

Add the number of fingers on your right hand.

Subtract the number of toes on your left foot.

Divide this by any number between one and ten.

Is the number you came up with your age? No? Dang. Oh well. It didn't work
for me either but if it had it would have been pretty cool, wouldn't it?

 

[moreluck]

P.U.S.H.

When everything seems to go wrong... just P.U.S.H.!

When the job gets you down... just P.U.S.H.!

When people don't react the way you think they should... just P.U.S.H.!

When your money looks funny and the bills are due... just P.U.S.H.!

When you want to curse them out for whatever the reason... just P.U.S.H.!

When people just don't understand you... Just P.U.S.H.!

P.U.S.H - Pray Until Something Happens!!!!!

 

[moreluck]

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do. ​

 

[moreluck]

Puppy's Twelve Days Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eleven unwrapped presents,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
A dozen puppy kisses...
And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

 

[moreluck]

Gay Guy in Bar...

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"​

 

[moreluck]

Inner Strength

• If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
• If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
• If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it
• If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time
• If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit
• If you can conquer tension without medical help
• If you can relax without liquor
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
• If you can do all these things

Then . . . .
You are probably the family dog.

 

[moreluck]

Camel Betting

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.The other guy says "No way". The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, "I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no."The second guy says, "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no."The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember what I did last time?". (Camel nods). "Want me to do it again?"​

 

[moreluck]

Train Your Dog​

A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock over a lamp and chew on the cushions.
The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't you think you should train your dog a little better?"
"My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought it was your dog!"

 

[moreluck]

NEW Rules for 2009(for the younger generation)


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won ' t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won ' t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it ' s not your parents ' fault, so don ' t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren ' t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent ' s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they ' ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn ' t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don ' t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you ' ll end up working for one.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you can read this in English - Thank a soldier!!!

 

[moreluck]

Fascinating Facts: Trivial Persuit


Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex.
What is it?
A. Skinny dipping.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%.

Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.

Q. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
A. Banana.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A. Change their underwear.

Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.

Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey.

Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.

Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A. Wear underwear.

Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% carbon dioxide?
A. A fart.

 

[moreluck]

Anniversary Trip........

William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Supreme Court Ruling on Nativity Scene



The Supreme Court ruled last week that there cannot be a Nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

This is not for any religious or constitutional reason; they simply have
been unable to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no difficulty, however, filling the huge stable with asses.

 

[moreluck]

NEW Rules for 2009(for the younger generation)


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won ' t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won ' t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it ' s not your parents ' fault, so don ' t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren ' t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent ' s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they ' ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn ' t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don ' t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you ' ll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you can read this in English - Thank a soldier!!!

 

[Big Babooba]

Who is your real friend?This really works....!
lf you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you???

 

[moreluck]

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's new book.....

1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President
10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
11. Deep Inside The Oval Office
12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
13. She's Chief of MY Staff!
14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes1
5. How To Beat Off the Government
16. Going Down and Moving Up
17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
18. Me and My Big Mouth
19. How To Get Ahead in Business​

 

[moreluck]

THE RECIPE.............

I knew it......I knew it!

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!


3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat