Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Aliens In Arizona.....

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

 

[moreluck]

Some Clown....
​

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

 

[moreluck]

Watching a National Geographic TV program on the Pacific Rim with his dad Marty, six-year-old Cody asked, "Where's Japan?" Marty showed him on the globe and asked, "What country do we live in?" Cody replied, "The United States of American Idol."

 

[moreluck]

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree.

Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead."

One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."

 

[moreluck]

Gentle thoughts for your day........


Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If......

You've ever been third through the bath water.

You don't meet the hygiene standards at a water park.

You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

Your idea of conservation is moving your Saturday-night bath to every other Saturday night.

Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene problems.

 

[moreluck]

Golfers


Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900
miles a year..

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons
of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the
gallon.

Kind of makes you proud ... Almost feel like a hybrid

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck........

If you made a homemade hot tub with a trolling motor.

If you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat.

If you think 'lavatory' is a breed of dog.

If people can tell what you had for breakfast by looking at your beard.

 

[moreluck]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, 'surely i can't look that old? Well, you'll love this one:

" my name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my
first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which
bore his full name.


Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.


Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park
high school .

"yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"when did you graduate?" i asked.

He answered , "in 1959. Why do you ask?"

"you were in my class!", i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat
ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "what did you teach?"

 

[moreluck]

The Zen of Sarcasm


1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


2.It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3.Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4.Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

8. Ifriend at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11.Ifriend you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[moreluck]

A young grade school teacher had just handed out report cards and awards to a class of obstreperous brats, and sent them off to their summer vacations. Now she leaned back in her chair and sighed, "I guess teaching school is pretty much like having a baby. Each takes nine months, and the last week is the worst!"

 

[moreluck]

Jesus Meets Joseph ??

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name."Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive."Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".Jesus is now getting quite excited.In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes"."Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?!The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"​

 

[moreluck]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.




=

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If......

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You asked the stylist for a "business at the front, party at the back" cut.

Both you and your wife wore ponytails at your wedding.

You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.

 

[moreluck]

3 Words Test.....

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

 

[moreluck]

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.
I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.
I am at your command.
Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me,
For I can do them quickly, correctly, and profitably.
I am easily managed, just be firm with me.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of a
machine and the intelligence of a person.
You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.
Show me how you want it done. Educate me. Train me.
Lead me. Reward me.
And I will then...do it automatically.
I am your servant.
Who am I?
I am a habit.
​

The author of the above is unknown, but the words are right on target. If you make good habits, they in turn will make you. But like the weeds in the garden, bad habits can take over your life. Make a decision today to pull those weeds.

 

[dilligaf]

Southern Belle's​

Two southern belle acquaintances were having tea one day. The first belle said to the second, "My husband bought me this beautiful fir coat." The second belle responded, "How nice." The first belle, "My husband bought me a Mercedes." The second belle again said, "How nice." The first belle said, "My husband bought me a million dollar mansion." The second belle once again said, "How nice." The first belle was getting a little miffed at the lack of enthusiasm from the acquaintance and asked, "Well, what has your husband done for you?" The second belle responded, "My husband sent me to etiquette school so I could say 'How nice' instead of 'friend... You'."



Joke is conveyed in the most southern accent.​

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If..........

You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.

You can drink beer through your nose.

You've ever been to an eye, nose and throat specialist to have a finger removed.

You think "going back to your roots" means growing out the peroxide.

You dye your hair and clean your floors with the same stuff.

 

[moreluck]

Tenn......








A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee?Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee . If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have
been called a teeth brush.


A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a
total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't even
finished coloring one of 'em.

A new law was recently passed in Tennessee . When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL cousins.

 

[moreluck]

A Few Jokes....



Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values
Mike said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

' Bill replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

-----------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence
come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I
still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge
said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself.'

-----------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years..

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you'.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------- -----------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to
fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?
What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him
how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,'
he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS'

-----------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied.. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care