Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If.............

Your family trait is a uni-brow.

Your teeth are visible in your silhouette.

The dentist in your town went bankrupt.

Your dentures have fillings.

Most days start with someone in your house asking, "Has anybody seen my teeth?"

 

[moreluck]

When stopped by a police officer many are unsure of how to begin a conversation and so just sit there feeling foolish waiting for the officer to initiate the conversation. To avoid this embarrassing situation we offer the following icebreakers that will stimulate a lively intercourse with the public servant.

1: My gun is bigger than your gun.

2: Give me a ten second head start and I bet you won’t be able to catch me again.

3:Well; If it isn’t the blue fairy of the highway

4:You can’t look in my trunk without a search warrant. Can you?

5:Can your breathalyzer detect Marijuana?

6:You don’t want to test my breath , do you?

7:I hope you aren’t going to check for warrants

8:You’re the third cop who pulled me over today.

9:Hey buddy, Do you know John and Ponch?

10:Just put it on my tab.

 

[Big Babooba]

It's a Canadian classic folks !..........


As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the friend------ SALT TRUCK......."

 

[moreluck]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all
we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and
Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And
you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead
anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get
cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that' s awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

 

[moreluck]

All Smiles........

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[moreluck]

Smart Purchases


A crusty old Kansas cowboy, we'll call Old Wally, was on a summer ride
in the country.
Old Wally walks into a roadside bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads:
CHEESEBURGER------------ $ 1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH-------- $ 2.50
HAND JOB-----------------$ 10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender.
"Yes" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you"
I was wondering, whispers the old cowboy, are you the young lady who
gives the hand-jobs?
Yes I am, she purrs, I am....
The old cowboy replies, well, wash your hands, I want a
cheeseburger........

 

[moreluck]

Signs and notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

 

[moreluck]

LIFE -- I AM THE NEW YEAR

Life I am the new year.

I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.

I am your next chance at the art of living.

I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned about life during the last twelve months.

All that you sought and didn't find is hidden in me, waiting for you to search it out with more determination.

All the good that you tried for and didn't achieve is mine to grant when you have fewer conflicting desires.

All that you dreamed but didn't dare to do, all that you hoped but did not will, all the faith that you claimed but did not have -- these slumber lightly, waiting to be awakened by the touch of a strong purpose.

I am your opportunity to renew your allegiance to Him who said, "behold, I make all things new."

I am the new year.

(Author Unknown)

 

[moreluck]

Itching Powder


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He
knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this
and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote
to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the
antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left
satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to friend* off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

 

[moreluck]

American Logic​

• We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
• We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
• We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
• We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
• We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
• We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
• In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
• We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
• We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
• We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

 

[moreluck]

While my son and I were riding in the car one day, he suddenly asked, "Mom, what's a eunuch?" Caught by surprise, I delicately tried to explain the word "castration," and I elaborated on the place of the eunuch in early Eastern societies. After listening intently to my explanation, he turned a puzzled face towards me and said, "Then why, on the TV police shows, do they always say, 'Attention, all eunuchs'?"

 

[moreluck]

Differences​

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're from Idaho When...​

• The wind is faster than your truck.
• Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
• When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.
• In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
• You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's still there.
• You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
• You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick."
• The elevation exceeds the population.
• You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.
• You can see the stars at night.
• People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.
• Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.
• You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.
• The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
• Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals.
• A girls' basketball game fills the gym.
• You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.
• A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.
• You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough.
• Yellow light means "follow the car in front of you no matter what."
• Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list.
• You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck.
• You talk about a combine and people don't wonder what you are putting together.
• In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor.
• When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk.
• Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle's "jocky box."
• You can choose plastic bags or paper sacks for your groceries.
• You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass you on the road.
• You know why people pay money to watch "pig wrestling."
• You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Idaho friends.

 

[moreluck]

Their Golden Wedding...



A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.



The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down a t the horse and quietly said, "That's once."



"We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.



I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you friggin crazy!? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."



"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

 

[moreluck]

The Mighty Hen

Take HEED of the mighty HEN
(taken from Gods Little Devotion Book, Honor Books)

Hard work means nothing to a hen. Regardless of what business prognosticators say about the price of eggs.......regardless of what others expect of her...regardless of fluctuations in the commodities market...........she keeps on digging worms and laying eggs.
==============================================

If the ground is hard, she scratches harder.
If its dry, she digs deeper.
If it is wet, she digs where it is dry.
If she strikes a rock, she digs around it.
If she gets a few more hours of daylight in the barnyard, guess what?? She digs even a FEW MORE hours.

Question:: Have you ever seen a pessimistic hen?

Question:: Have you ever seen a hen cackle in disgust at the prospect of her job?

Hens save their breath for digging, and their cackles for the eggs that are laid.

Perhaps we all could do more SCRATCHING and CLAWING and DIGGING, and less clucking and cackling?

 

[moreluck]

An accordion player is driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls over for some coffee. While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He rushes out only to discover that he's too late, the side window of his car has been smashed and somebody has thrown in two more accordions.

 

[moreluck]

Bullschit and Brilliance

Awealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africataking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loud ly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'W hat am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullschit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

You did notice the size of the print.

 

[moreluck]

This is the Unofficial World Wide Activities Thermometer, based on stereotypes and geographical generalizations by temperature.

Air Temperatures: (Fahrenheit)

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

32 degrees - Water freezes.

25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 degrees - American cars don't start.

0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-40 degrees - Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater.

-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 degrees - Hell freezes over.

 

[Big Babooba]

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did. Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did.
The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German doctor replied, “Nein, Ve do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “Ve tink you trying to escape!”

 

[moreluck]

Write it Down​

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"