Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[dilligaf]

Subject: Skinny Dipping







> Getting old does NOT mean your mind is not active.
>
> Skinny Dipping....
> An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

> He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,

> so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
> apple and peach trees.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
> hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a
> five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee.
> As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
> skinny-dipping in his pond.
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
> One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
> swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
>
> Some old men can still think fast.

 

[dilligaf]

AMinneapoliscouple decided to go toFlorida to thaw out
> > during a
> > particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
> > hotel where they
> > spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
> >
> > Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
> > their travel
> > schedules. So, the husband leftMinnesotaand flew to
> > Floridaon Thursday,
> > with his wife flying down the following day. The husband
> > checked into the
> > hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to
> > se nd an email to
> > his wife.
> >
> > However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
> > address, and
> > without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile,
> > somewhere in
> > Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
> > husband's funeral. He was
> > a minister who was called home to glory following a heart
> > attack. The widow
> > decided to check her email expecting messages from
> > relatives and friends.
> >
> > After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
> > The widow's son
> > rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
> > saw the computer
> > screen which read:
> >
> > To: My Loving Wife
> > Subject: I have Arrived!
> > Date: February 5, 2008
> >
> > I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
> > computers here now and
> > you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have
> > just arrived and
> > have been checked in. I have seen that everything has been
> > prepared for
> > your arrival tomorrow.
> >
> > Looking forward to seeing you then!
> > *Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was!
> >
> > P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
> >

 

[moreluck]

To Achieve Your Dream, Remember Your ABC’s​

* Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.
* Believe in yourself.
* Consider things from every angle.
* Don't give up and don't give in.
* Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.
* Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches.
* Give more than you planned to.
* Hang on to your dreams.
* Ignore those who try to discourage you.
* Just do it.
* Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.
* Love yourself first and most.
* Make it happen.
* Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.
* Open your eyes and see things as they really are.
* Practice makes perfect.
* Quitters never win and winners never quit.
* Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
* Stop procrastinating.
* Take control of your own destiny.
* Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
* Visualize it.
* Want it more than anything.
* Xcellerate your efforts.
* You are unique of all God’s creations, nothing can replace YOU.
* Zero in on your target and go for it!!
-unknown author-​

 

[moreluck]

KURTIS THE STOCK BOY AND BRENDA THE CHECKOUT GIRL


In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn't possible.

He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary - - - he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children. Since then they have added two more kids.

So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a possible appearance in the Super Bowl. Is this a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person.

It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl's Most Valuable Player.

 

[moreluck]

25 facts of life........​

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously
.23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.​

 

[moreluck]

Memory....

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story.

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?"

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

 

[moreluck]

Humorous Facts

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.

What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.


Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.


Bubble gum contains rubber.


You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.


In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."


Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.

Most American car horns honk in the key of friend.

The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.


Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh, why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]


Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The
rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.

Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in
1991.

Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western
Pacific.

There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them
are in Parma!]

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

Mosquitos have teeth.

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.

Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
"plenty of excrement."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

 

[moreluck]

Ol' Blue...............


A young cowboy
from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he
says, 'You won't believe what modern education is
developing!

They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do
I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with
$1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So,
his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds
through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing son?' his father
asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you
just won't believe this -

they've had such good results they have started to
teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding!
How do we get Blue in that program?'

Just send $2,500, I'll get
him in the class.

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither
talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives homeat
the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just
can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I
have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ol ' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to
me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little
redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you
shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I
sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer ...... And
then he
went on to become a Congressman.

 

[moreluck]

My Dear Pets, ​

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.​

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.​

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.​

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.​

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:​

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit
& Like to Complain About MY Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted angel who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.​

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.​

 

[moreluck]

The Cynic's Guide To Life

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
   
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
   
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever- the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
    
13. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
14. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
15. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
16. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
    
17. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
18. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
19. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
20. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
    
21. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
22. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, then it was probably worth it.
23. Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
24. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

 

[moreluck]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of inanimate objects actually are either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. Also, they are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: These are male, because they go bald easily, and often are over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable, and retain water.

WEB PAGES: These are female, because they're constantly being looked at, and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: These are definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS EGG TIMERS: These are female because over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: These are male, because in the last 5,000 years, they've hardly changed at all, but occasionally are handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROLS: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
until something happens.

 

[moreluck]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.​

​

​

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.​

​

​

​

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.​

​

​

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.


​

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.​

​

​

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .​

​

​

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'​

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.​

​

​

​

If you don't send this to five friends right away, There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!​

 

[moreluck]

Men Can Never Win......

- If you work too hard, you re not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob.

- If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

- If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

 

[moreluck]

Ways to Tell if Someone is From Seattle​

• Knows at least three Microsoft burnouts, of which two are millionaires.
• Uses more than 5 words [a unique vocabulary] to order a cup of coffee. "I want to order an unleaded, double, short, skinny, wet cappuccino with a shot of Amaretto please."

• 
  
  [*]Designer' wardrobe comes from REI, Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and Birkenstock.
  
  [*]Considers it a sunny day if the sun is visible at some point of the day. On Average, Seattle has less than 3 SUNNY days in February.
  
  [*]Feels guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash, instead of a recycle bin.
  
  [*]Stands on a deserted street corner in the rain, waiting for the light to say walk. Did you know that Seattle police issue over 2500 citations a year to pedestrians jaywalking in downtown Seattle? Well, Seattleites can follow the "Don't Walk" lights to extremes. Once, while I was crossing the street, the "Walk" light started flashing "Don't Walk" just as I reached the middle of the intersection. Would you believe, the pedestrian right beside me turned around, and walked back to the corner we started from!
  
  [*]Have been "snow" skiing in the RAIN more than in the snow.
  
  [*]When discussing rainforests and volcanoes, NOT talking about Hawaii.
  
  [*]Groans when Seattle gets listed as one of the best places to live. At all costs, Seattleites do NOT want to encourage ANY MORE people to move to Seattle.
  
  [*]Takes an umbrella wherever they go!

 

[moreluck]

The Geography Of A Woman​

· Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


· Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.


· Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


· Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


· Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.


· Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


· Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.


· After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

**The Geography Of A Man​

. Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

 

[moreluck]

Nutritious Eating........

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.

 

[moreluck]

Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special -- it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out: "Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.

"Yes," replies the parrot.

"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe."Si," replies the parrot.

"Parlez-vouz Fransais?" asks Moshe."Oui," replies the parrot.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe."Jawohl," replies the parrot.

"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe."Sim," replies the parrot.

Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot,"Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says,"Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Australian Humor

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching  them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad ;tracks (Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North inAustralia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which Is...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
;Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasma nia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
;A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australiain 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

[Big Babooba]

Caution... They Walk Among Us!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they alsoreproduce!!!!

 

[moreluck]

A Dollar A Point​

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.