Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Make Me A Stud!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but
you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above
the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Idaho."

 

[moreluck]

Bank Robbery in Texas​

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have
caught a glimpse of you."

 

[moreluck]

Cursing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__..

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING : I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

 

[moreluck]

A POP QUIZ

Fill in the blanks.....

1. The first toaster pastries were called “___ Tarts.”

2. ___ Warner Football

3. Mom & ___ stores

4. “___ Goes the Weasel”

5. Rice Krispies go “Snap, Crackle, ___”

6. Jiffy ___ ___corn

7. Ice cold ___cicles

8. Southern four soda water: Soda ___.

9. Boston ___s Orchestra

 

[moreluck]

Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:

Commander - Whoever starts the unit.

Second in Command - His best friend

Auxiliary Commander - His wife

Captain - New guy

Militia Headquarters - The basement of whoever has the fax machine.

Squad - Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

 

[moreluck]

Hark I Hear A Cannon....
​

The actor's agent finally gets him a part. It is only one line - "Hark I hear a cannon." He practices the line and tells his parents and friends he has a part and his role has him say - Hark I hear a cannon.
When he arrives at the theater the guard asks who he is. He replies the guy who says - Hark I hear a cannon. The guard let's him in.
The makeup people also want to know who he is and he says I am the guy who says- Hark I hear a cannon.
He gets the cue to go on stage. The cannon goes off and he says - what the hell was that!

​

 

[moreluck]

I Am Thankful..........


I AM THANKFUL: FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.


FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE


FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEYBECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.


FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.


FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALAR M THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.



Live well, Laugh often, & Love with

all of your heart!

 

[moreluck]

The 11th Husband


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing;even though he knew he had theorder, .he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."

 

[moreluck]

NEW WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

English, the second most spoken language in the world (Mandarin being the most spoken), has more words than any other language. But English speakers generally use only about 1% of the language. About one third of the more than one million English words are technical terms. Still, every decade new words are added to the English language. Here are some of them...

1940's...ack-ack, apartheid, atom bomb, baby-sit, barf, bazooka, cheeseburger, crash-land, flying saucer, gobbledygook

1950's...aerospace, alphanumeric, brainstorming, car wash, cha- cha, digitize, do-it-yourself, ethnohistory, in-house, meter maid

1960's...area code, ASCII, biohazard, Brownie point, crib death, doofus, disco, glitch, microwave oven, Op-Ed, sexism

1970's...airhead, bean counter, biofeedback, deadbeat dad, diskette, electronic mail, junk food, gentrify, surrogate mother

1980's...AIDS, boom box, caller ID, channel surf, cyberpunk, dis, fragile X syndrome, greenmail, sandwich generation, trophy wife, voice mail, wannabe

1990's...anatomically correct, bad hair day, brux, digerati, granny dumping, medicide, netnanny, olestra, soccer mom, step aerobics, uptalk, World Wide Web

 

[moreluck]

Just My Luck....
​

I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.
My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success.
She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.
She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner

 

[moreluck]

As income tax
time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two
words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'? ​

 

[moreluck]

Fraternity House Visit.....

A man travelling on a business trip was passing through his son's college town late one night and decided to pay him a surprise visit.

He arrived at his son's fraternity house, but since it was quite late, he had to knock for some time before getting a response. Finally, a sleepy voice could be heard from the upstairs window.
"Who is it?" the voice asked. "Hello!" the father called out. "Is this where Steven Brady lives?" "Yeah! Just dump him on the porch. We'll get him in the morning," the voice replied.

 

[Big Babooba]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

 

[moreluck]

Customer Service.....
​

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

 

[moreluck]

IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.....


Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't
know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed
up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on,
I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the
word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going
to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I
have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I
had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite:
'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch
together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all
the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve
toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet...
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and
the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all
we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I
plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to
adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and
you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an
elevator for a bungee cord..

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream.
It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a
spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car
and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I
would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not
something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one
phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why
are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to
you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the
rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic flight or
gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it
tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a
good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music
before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week.. Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then
you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate
all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we
might as well dance!

 

[moreluck]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.



The music is really loud so you time your farts with the beat.



After a couple of songs you start to feel better as you approach your stop.



As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you d own and that's when you remember…


you've been listening to your iPod!

 

[moreluck]

The Good Grandpa


A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps has his hands
full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie
aisle, same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his
way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long --
easy, boy.'

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just
a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries
and the boy into the car. 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for
his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert - the little 's name is
Johnny.'

 

[moreluck]

Iowa According to Jeff Foxworthy.......



If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Spirit Lake Iowa







If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might farm in Iowa



If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Des Moines Iowa



If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Russell Iowa



If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Iowa



YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN 'Vacation' means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.



If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Iowa



If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Iowa



If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you might live in Iowa



If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Iowa



If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in Iowa



If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Iowa



If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Iowa



If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Northern Iowa



If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Iowa



If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Iowa



If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Iowa



If you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age, you might live in Iowa City Iowa



If Going Down South means Missouri , you might live in Iowa



If your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed, you might live in Iowa



If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Saturday, you definitely live in Iowa



If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Iowa



If you find 0 degrees to be 'a little chilly', you might live in Iowa



If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Iowa friends -- you DO live in Iowa







You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40
If it shouldn't move and does, use Duct tape

 

[moreluck]

Small Compensation
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

 

[moreluck]

Now this is progress!




​

APPLE ANNOUNCEMENT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will
cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker
size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.