Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[Sammie]

New Orleans Crabs...
>
> A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
> frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
> take care of the box for him. She took the package and
> promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
>
> He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
> responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
> was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
> happen if she let them thaw out.
>
> Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
>
> Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
> announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
> me the crabs in New Orleans....please raise your hand?"
>
> Not a hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
>
> Two lessons here:
> 1. Men never learn.
>
>

 

[moreluck]

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Boston.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

11. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

 

[moreluck]

MURDER AT WAL-MART....

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor……..

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling t o leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared …

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 For $1.00 AT WAL-MART!!"

 

[moreluck]

A "daddy" test



This is classic.......


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back wi th a big smile on my
face.


When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

 

[cheryl]

The 8 Monkeys

(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.


Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.


One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.


All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.


A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.


One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.



And that is how most companies' policies get established.

 

[moreluck]

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker
go into a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, "Excuse me,
but if you wanted the steak
you might not get one as there is a shortage."
The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

 

[moreluck]

Three Men & Their Wives............

A group of three men met at a bar. 1 was Italian, 1 was French, and the third was Jewish.

They began to speak of their wives.

The Frenchman said, "I wiped butter all over my wife, and she screamed for twenty minutes!"

"That's nothing!" the Italian exclaimed. "I rubbed pasta sauce on my wife, and she screamed for an hour!"

The Jew said, "Well, I rubbed oil all over my wife and she screamed for six hours!"

The Frenchman and the Italian looked at him is amazement. "Six hours? How did you get her to do that?" they asked.

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

 

[moreluck]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home and she hastily shoves her lover into the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's dad says to him, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
Dad: "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now!"

 

[moreluck]

Thoughts On Drinking

Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time.--------Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.---------Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me
pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.---------Timothy Walsh

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--------Henny Youngman

Live is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and
have the time of your life.---------Michelle Mastrolacasa

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza.--------Dave Barry

 

[moreluck]

Touché !!

THIS IS PRICELESS!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, 'Let me see if I've got this right: 'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams. 'You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me.................

'I CAN'T PRAY?'​

 

[moreluck]

APHORISM:A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION, A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE



1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.



2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.



4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.



5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.



6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?



7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.



8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?



9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.



10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.



11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.



12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.



13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.



14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.



15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.



16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.



17. Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)



18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.



19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

 

[moreluck]

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

 

[OldUPSDriver]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets,

Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
the Octo-slam,

you get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

 

[moreluck]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he
would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood,
it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Idiot!

 

[moreluck]

Health Questions and Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.

Q: Is Soda Pop bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that soda pop is not an animal,
and it is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a cold cola and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this discussion has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Now, go eat some lard and be healthy.

 

[moreluck]

-------------------------
Now You Know
-------------------------

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know...

 

[moreluck]

The Italian Elbow​

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301."
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . .. . . .. .. You comma empty handed?

 

[moreluck]

Beware, marriage !!

 

[moreluck]

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

 

[moreluck]

IN CASE YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED:





For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.