Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

When my wife Diane came home from the hospital with our second baby, she hired Myrna, a live-in-nurse, to come along and help out for the first few weeks. Having read up on sibling rivalry, my wife watched our eighteen-month-old daugher Chelsey for signs of jealousy or insecurity. Buy Chelsey adored her little brother from the start. She loved to help Myrna feed and bathe the baby. She even offered to share her toys. Several weeks passed and the mother of my two children, convinced that Chelsey was suffering no ill effects. decided she could manage without a nurse. As she watched Myrna walk out to her car that last day, she heard an unmistakable cry of distress. "Myrna!" yelled Chelsey, running after her. "You forgot your baby!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fw: Dear IRS




Actual 'Letter to the Editor' from the February 5th edition of the Wichita Falls , Texas Times Record News...


Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Ed Barnett

 

[moreluck]

Good Democrats Say...​

• Avoid the truth at all costs.

• 
  
  [*]Success should be punished and failure rewarded.
  
  [*]It is okay to file false affidavits with a federal court if you don't want to be held accountable for your actions.
  
  [*]There is no place in society for honesty.
  
  [*]Only the government knows what is good for you and what you deserve out of life.
  
  [*]You are to stupid to make your own decisions.
  
  [*]Vote buying with give away programs is good politics.
  
  [*]If you tell an untruth often enough and loud enough it will become the truth.
  
  [*]People don't kill people, guns do.
  
  [*]Don't confuse me with facts, I am happy living in my make believe world.
  
  [*]Only we should vote.
  
  [*]What the majority wants is irrelevant.
  
  [*]The constitution is just a piece of paper.
  
  [*]The government is my shepherd I shall not want.
  
  [*]Judges were appointed to write laws.
  
  [*]If you can read this, you are probably a republican.

 

[moreluck]

Stolen I-Pod...........

A student tore into our school office. "My iPod was stolen!" she cried. I handed her a form, and she filled it out, answering everything, even those questions intended for the principal. Under "Disposition," she wrote, "I'm really ticked off."

 

[moreluck]

A Boss Who Tells it Like it Is ...

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of
this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy
has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good
news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does
threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this
country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help
you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against
employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there
is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by
what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen
my big home at last year's Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons
of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300
square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was
converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a
company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent
went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a
defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home
on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I
was married to my business - hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made
a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove
flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead
of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was
trolling through the discount store extracting any clothing item that didn't
look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and
lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money,
and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too,
will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check
in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button
for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to
yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this
company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend.
There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip
like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits
of that garden - the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations ... You never
realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the
right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who
didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to
the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is
steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you,
is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell
you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay
enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.
Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes
on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then
guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and
regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most
of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000
for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the
guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000
people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at
home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?
Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of
this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd
quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who
wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why
your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the
economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had, suddenly, the government
mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that
$288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more
employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would
have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better
salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate
and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or,
do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been.
To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington
believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.
Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It's quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift
and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the
government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's
future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.
You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive
and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs
will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will
be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this
country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape
forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and
with no employees to worry about ...

Signed,
Your boss

 

[moreluck]

Instructions For Yankees moving South...........
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

16. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

17. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

18. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

19. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November, if used at all.

20. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. While at the grocery store, you are required to buy toilet paper, milk and bread. And you have to walk to get there. At the first indication of snow, you are required to abandon your car.

21. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are fussing at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

 

[moreluck]

Chicken coop



The priest in a small English village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!

 

[moreluck]

The Next One​

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,
"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

 

[moreluck]

THE BUZZARD:
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely
open
at the top, the bird, in
spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is

that a buzzard always
begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without
space
to run, as is its habit,
it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in
a
small jail with no top.

THE BAT:
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble
creature in

the air, cannot take
off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all
it
can do is shuffle about
helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight
elevation
from which it can throw
itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

THE BUMBLEBEE:
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it
dies,
unless it is taken out.
It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to
find

some way out through
the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until
it
completely destroys
itself.

PEOPLE:
In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We
struggle about with all our
problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is
look
up! That's the answer, the
escape route and the solution to any problem! Just look up.

Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up!

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our

Creator who loves us.

 

[moreluck]

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :​

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma​

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop​

JOB DESCRIPTION :​

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,​

permanent work in an​

often chaotic environment.​

Candidates must possess excellent communication​

and organizational skills and be willing to work​

variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends​

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.​

Some overnight travel required, including trips to​

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!​

Travel expenses not reimbursed.​

Extensive courier duties also required.​

RESPONSIBILITIES :​

The rest of your life.​

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,​

until someone needs £20/R50.​

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.​

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule​

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat​

in case, this time, the screams from​

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.​

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,​

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.​

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and​

co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.​

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings​

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.​

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.​

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a​

half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.​

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.​

Must assume final, complete accountability for​

the quality of the end product.​

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and​

janitorial work throughout the facility.​

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :​

None.​

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,​

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you​

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :​

None required unfortunately.​

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.​

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :​

Get this! You pay them!​

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.​

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because​

of the assumption that college will help them​

become financially independent.​

When you die, you give them whatever is left.​

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that​

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.​

BENEFITS :​

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,​

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and​

no stock options are offered;​

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,​

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.​

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,​

letting them know they are appreciated​

for the fabulous job they do​

or forward with love.​

 

[moreluck]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

[moreluck]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

 

[moreluck]

7 MOST SHOPLIFTED ITEMS.....

Pain Relievers

Pregnancy tests

Disposable razors

Film

Baby formula

Preparation H

Decongestant

*(I would've guessed condoms)

 

[moreluck]

SNOW


When March goes on forever,

And April's twice as long,

Who gives a damn if spring has come,

As long as winter's gone.

 

[moreluck]

This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.

GPS
A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football match. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen.
The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean up the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.
MOBILE PHONE

I never thought of this.......
This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... Etc... Was stolen.

20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago.'

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Moral of the lesson:
Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc.... And very
importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you.

 

[trplnkl]

you find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. =0
D

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already
too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials
show
they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX20has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends,
with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

 

[moreluck]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband in antisipation starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnnie's Sister






Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother. 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie at the playground!!!!'






Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me
of a peanut."






Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked. "Really small, was it?"






Sally replied, "No.....Salty."






Mom Fainted!!!!!!!

 

[UPSNewbie]

Little Johnnie's Sister






Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother. 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie at the playground!!!!'






Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me
of a peanut."






Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked. "Really small, was it?"






Sally replied, "No.....Salty."






Mom Fainted!!!!!!!

I was NOT expecting that. ROFL.

 

[moreluck]

B*tches till the End......

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you have 3 months to live and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.


There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In order".