Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Northern Territory Drover....

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open
mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head.


The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

 

[moreluck]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

 

[moreluck]

THE REAL MEANING OF PLANT CATALOG TERMINOLOGY........

"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.

"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."

"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."

"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.

"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.

"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.

"Vigorous" is code for "has a compulsion to take over the world."

"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.

 

[moreluck]

Points to Ponder

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk I have a work station...

- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with
battery?

- How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

- If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next
Kleenex in the box?

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

[moreluck]

REDNECK LENT



Each Friday night after work, Charlie would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But...all of Charlie's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit O'l Charlie, and suggested that he become a Catholic.




After several classes and much study, O'l Charlie attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.' Charlie's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Charlie's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.




There stood Charlie, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'

 

[moreluck]

OFFICE DICTIONARY...

"APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

 

[moreluck]

Saving For Marriage......

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"

 

[moreluck]

What do you...
​

...call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

...call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

...call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

...get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

...get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.

...call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.​

 

[moreluck]

Irish bank robbery..........

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse....'

 

[moreluck]

You Know When You're From Florida When...............

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.

When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has
three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back"

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound red fish... in your house.

You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the
Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree
worker.

A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

Your child's first words are "hunker down."

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

 

[moreluck]

HEROES............

I was probably 12 when it happened. All the neighborhood boys and a few girls gathered in the lot behind the school. Soon the mob split into two opposing sides. I knew it would come to this. It always did. Some chose sticks as weapons, others pickup round projectiles and leather shields. Finally someone shouted, "Play ball!" and the game began.

We all had our favorite professional baseball player. One would play like Willie Mays. Others chose to play like Mickey Mantle. I wanted to be like Herman "The Babe" Ruth. I wanted to be known as a man who could come to the plate and get hits -- especially home runs -- when the game was on the line.

Oh, we loved our heroes -- and our heroes loved being heroes. They appeared on TV and told us how to play baseball, and how to live life. They lead us into a future that was bright. No, none of us ever made it to the big leagues. I don't know of a one of us who even played in college. But we learned lessons on that back yard of the school that have stayed with us through life.

We learned teamwork. We could turn double plays. We could pay hit and run. We learned ecumenicalism. The teams were never the same. Sometimes we had girls on our team. Some times we didn't. We began to comprehend the value of other ethnic backgrounds. Even the almighty dollar didn't separate us from each other. Some of us were dirt poor. Others rather affluent. It didn't matter. Baseball was the unifying factor.

What happened to us? Today's youth have a different set of heroes. They don't claim to be role models, but they are. They dye their hair all kinds of weird colors and patterns. They do drugs. They beat each other up. They sing of killing cops and "hoes." Is it any wonder that we have lawlessness in some of our schools?

 

[moreluck]

POLITICAL AFFILIATION

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
Knife and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's
Answer


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.

.......................................................................



Republican's
Answer:



BANG!

............................... .................................


Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

 

[moreluck]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

[moreluck]

Shrinks' Problems.........

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

 

[moreluck]

Ever notice,

The older we get,

The more we're

Like computers?

We start out with lots of

Memory and drive,

Then we eventually

Become outdated,

Crash at odd moments,

Acquire errors in our systems,

And have to have our parts replaced!

 

[moreluck]

Do you need a new car? .......

Here's a little help for you if you can't figure out the answer yourself.

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

 

[moreluck]

An Interesting Event in Victoria,Texas

Victoria, Texas (pop.55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston.

Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.

Business owners declared the boycott a success as well,pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards...

 

[moreluck]

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Three. One to eat it,
and two to watch for cars.

 

[moreluck]

Palm Sunday Church Service..........

Little Johnny had the flu and wasn't able to attend the Palm Sunday church service with his family.
When they returned home from the service, they were carrying palm branches. "What are those?" Little Johnny asked his mother. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Well, doesn't that just figure," grumbled Little Johnny. "The one Sunday I can't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

 

[moreluck]

Fifty Years of Math 1959-2009(in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?