Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Observations on Growing Older
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get the discounts on everything but you don't feel like going to the trouble.

~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen and you have a better chance of losing your keys.

~The things you cared to do, you don't care to do any more, but you care that you don't care to do them.

~Remember when your mother used to say "Wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~Now you use more four letter words like "What?" and...."When?"

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it.

~Everybody whispers.

~Going out is good, but coming home is better.

~But old is good in some things....old movies, old songs, and, best of all, OLD FRIENDS....if you can remember who they are!

 

[trplnkl]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and is willing to fulfill her role without undue complaining.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. Finally, it's very, very important that these four women not know each other.

 

[moreluck]

Bush in Hell


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[moreluck]

Larry is in the Hospital


> Ok, you are asking -- Who in the hell is 'Larry'?
>
> Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
>
> Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
>
> 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
>
> 'What the hell were you thinking? She asked, shaking her head in disgust.
>
> 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
>
> Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
> Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
> Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
> And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
>
> Larry is recovering in room 232.

 

[moreluck]

Taser gun......(lifted from teamster.net)


ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS..............

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head thingyed to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipnuts,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[moreluck]

Love Letters............

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!!

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

[moreluck]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."​

​

​

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.​

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.​

3. You have more wives than teeth.​

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."​

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.​

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.​

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.​

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.​

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.​

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.​

11. Your cousin is president of the United States​

​

​

​

 

[moreluck]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy ! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

[moreluck]

Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled,
the chocolate I'd taste
and the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber),

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

 

[moreluck]

You're not old UNLESS you can remember .....





Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

When there were two types of sneakers for boys.

When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If..........

You've ever injured a relative with a flying toenail.

Your pocketknife doubles as a nail clipper and a cheese slicer.

You get odor-eaters as a Christmas present,

Most of the socks you own allow you to cut some of your toenails while wearing them.

You've ever used a toenail as a bookmark.

 

[moreluck]

Written In The Bible.....

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her, when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's O.K.," he replied, "It's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil, "The hat check girl puts out!"

 

[moreluck]

Things Not To Say In Bed1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. Can you please try breathing through your nose.

6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

7. Darling, did you lock the back door?

8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.

9. Person 1: This is your first time...right? Person 2: It is....... Today

10. Can you pass me the remote control?

11. Do you accept Visa?

12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights.

13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.

14. So much for mouth-to-mouth

15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'?

17. But I just brushed my teeth... 18. Smile, you're on candid camera!

19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!

20. I want a baby!

21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!

22. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

24. When is this supposed to feel good?

25. Did I remember to take my pill?

26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?

29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.

31. This would be more fun with a few more people.

32. You're almost as good as my ex!

33. You look younger than you feel.

34. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

35. Now I know why she dumped you...

36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun?

37. Have you ever considered liposuction?

38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

41. Does this count as a date?

42. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

42. When would you like to meet my parents?

43. Have you seen "fatal attraction"?

44. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.

45. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed.

46. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

47. Sorry but I don't do toes.

48. You could at least act like you're enjoying it!

49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.

50. I've slept with more women than Casanova!

 

[moreluck]

The Computer Poem

A Computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
Window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano
.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out
.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

"The more intelligent you are, the more tenuous your grip on sanity."

 

[moreluck]

God Cares

The other day I was reading a magazine and saw this beautiful picture of an orchid. It was bright and colorful. Red with yellow markings. Under it was a short note about the markings. According to the article, biologists discovered that the markings are more than just beautiful, they are practical as well. Bees and other insects which need the nectar of the flower for food, use the colors as a type of road map to the nectar inside. The more hidden the nectar by the design of the flower the more colorful the blossom.

Think about that for a moment, God was so concerned about the very insects of the field that he put markings on flowers like an arrow at the McDonalds drive thru. To me this is mind boggling. How much care went into the design of a flower just so tiny insects could have a good dinner.

Now, if God has taken that much care to provide guidance and provision for the very least of his creation, how much more will he provide the same for His children? Of course, like the insect sometimes we have to look for the colors and follow them to their source. God doesn't always drop the provision into our laps, but he always gives us directions to find what we need.

So, today, if you are wondering if God really cares about your needs you can stop wondering. He cares about the tiniest insects, why shouldn't he care for you?

 

[trplnkl]

Awesome Power of a Wife's Love
...too good not to share.




A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's
doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate-chip cookie wafting up the
stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted
himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,
he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
toward the table. The aged and withered hand,
shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the
funeral.

 

[moreluck]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing........
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

 

[moreluck]

You know you're from Canada when ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17.You head south to go to your cottage.
18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21.You find -40C a little chilly.
22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
24.You can play road hockey on skates.
25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

 

[moreluck]

What ??

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, an IRS agent, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck walk into a bar.

The barman says: "Hang on a minute. What is this, some kind of joke?

 

[moreluck]

Understanding Engineers .........

To the optimist, the glass if half full.
To the pessimist, it is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.