Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THOUGHTS ON PARENTHOOD..............

**If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

**Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

**To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

**The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

**Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

**The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

**The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.

**Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

**The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

**Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby- sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

**Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

**Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

**A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

**God gave you two ears and one mouth.... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.

**There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

**Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

**You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

**Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

**Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

**There are only two things a child will share willing: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

**Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

**Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

**An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

**Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can inprison?

**How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?

**No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.

**The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime.

**Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

 

[moreluck]

SENATE BILL..........

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

 

[Dizzee]

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th, 21st, 23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

 

[moreluck]

The Blonde Waitress Gets Even .....

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think This place is . An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

 

[trplnkl]

The economy is so bad that:

I was pre-declined for a credit card in the mail.


I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you
call them and ask if they meant you or them.


Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.


McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.


Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.


A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.


Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.


Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.


The Mafia is laying off judges.


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I
called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[moreluck]

DRAWBACKS OF CUBICLE LIFE.......

Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who's behind you.

Fabric walls offer little protection.

The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a box all day long.

23 power cords - 1 outlet.

The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."

You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

 

[moreluck]

Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

 

[moreluck]

Little Bruce and Susan are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.



One day they decide they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Susan's father to ask him for her hand.



Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susan are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."



Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"



Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Susan's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."



Still thinking this is just adorable; Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susan."



Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Susan makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."



Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"



Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."



Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little is adorable.

 

[moreluck]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as​

'APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS' .​

And furthermore,​

TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

'BREASTED AMERICAN. '​

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is​

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'​

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a​

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'​

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a​

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'​

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes​

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'​

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a​

'LOW COST PROVIDER..'​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT ' - He has developed a​

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'​

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is​

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'​

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He​

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'​

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in​

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'​

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of​

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'​

(Loved this one!)​

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's​

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'​

 

[moreluck]

good investment......


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago you

will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year

ago
you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in

Lehman Brothers one year ago you will have $0.00 today.

But if you had

purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then turned in

the aluminum cans for recycling refund you will have received $214.00.
Based

on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &

recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.

 

[moreluck]

Dept. Of the Army...Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft...Commencing January, 1920

1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.

5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.

6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.

7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.

8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.

11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.

14. Do not trust altitude instruments.

15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.

16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.

18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.

20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.

21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.

24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with its controls and instruments.

25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

 

[moreluck]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women....

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

 

[moreluck]

We Use It For Sex​

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

 

[moreluck]

Just got scammed outta $25!



Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf..Damn waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

 

[moreluck]

Stock Market Definitions.....

STOCK - A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment after you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND - What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION - A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK - What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

 

[moreluck]

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you maroon!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

 

[moreluck]

Being Scottish Means...............

* A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money. Other groups are known to drink too much. Some groups are even known for being people of few words. Only the Scots however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt and bagpipes for good measure.

* The Scot told his wife, "Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if you're not looking at anything."

* A Scotsman's last daughter got married and the old man was just thrilled to death -- the confetti was getting dirty.

* The jet plane started to rattle. Quickly, the pilot turned northward. As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland, everything tightened up.

 

[moreluck]

This is all about comparing fathers of times past, and the fathers of today...
Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

Fathers THEN & NOW
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

 

[moreluck]

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr. Hillary Rodham
John friend. Kerry William J. Clinton
Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

Now you know.

 

[moreluck]

RELIGIOUS AND OTHER ONE-LINERS........

Confessional: a Catholic fire escape.


You are a Child of God. Please call home.

Noah was the first great financier. Wisely, he floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.



You can always tell the golfers in church. They are the ones who use interlocking grips when they put their hands together to pray.

A New Yorker was passing through the town of Waxahachie, Texas, which is south of Dallas. He whipped into a drive-in restaurant and asked the waitress urgently, "How do you pronounce the name of this place?" She looked at him with a pitying glance and drawled as patiently as she could, "Daaarry Kweeeeeeen."



The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Sign on a door: "Do Not Disturb [I'm disturbed enough already]"