Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

I finally figured out the difference between cupcakes, muffins and scones.

They're exactly the same except you have to suck the moisture out of the cupcakes to turn them into muffins.

Then you leave them sitting on the counter for about a month to turn them into scones.

 

[moreluck]

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this thing I have-- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day, "Grandma, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with a Kay jeweler product.

 

[moreluck]

Sent by God

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?".

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

 

[moreluck]

A university professor is lecturing a class, the subject for the day being the mating habits of the alligator. The professor says, "The female alligator lays three million four hundred thousand eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs."

From the back of the room, a student raises his hand and asks, "Sir, why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?"

The professor answers, "Because if he didn't we'd be up to our asses in alligators!"

 

[moreluck]

The Female Demerit System

Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the system is set up.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes.(+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

 

[moreluck]

TOP REASONS FOR JOINING THE CHURCH CHOIR

1. You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.

2. The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.

3. You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.

4. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

5. There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.

6. For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.

7. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.

8. The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.

 

[moreluck]

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

 

[moreluck]

Just a Refresher....

> I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.



> I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or
have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.

> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell
phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

> Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.


> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.



> ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.>

> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time..

> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

> THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

> BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.


> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


> I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for
life.

> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .


> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

> THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.


> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

> I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off.


> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .



> Oh, by the way.....

> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

[moreluck]

Halfway through a romantic dinner at a cozy little restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love with him all over again, until he added, "We gotta get some of these lights for home."

 

[moreluck]

WINTER POEM

It's winter in Ohio
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty five below.

Oh how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around....
I could never leave Ohio
Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

 

[moreluck]

Mrs. Treemont: Does your husband give you massages anymore?

Mrs. Tisdale: Well he hadn’t given me one in years, but the other night we were sitting on the couch and he started rubbing my neck, then my arms, then my back, then my legs, and then my feet.

Mrs. Treemont: That must have felt great!

Mrs. Tisdale: It sure did, but once he found the remote he stopped

 

[moreluck]

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

 

[moreluck]

Cool Facts..........

Cool Facts The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why we were designed the way we were.

1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3.. The smallest is the male sperm.

4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. (I wonder how long it took to count all of them?)

16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums)6 months before you are born.

19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test .. now remove your thumb from your nose.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers....

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.
Don't start with me you won't win!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't trust women.

 

[moreluck]

Ever notice,

The older we get,

The more we're

Like computers?

We start out with lots of

Memory and drive,

Then we eventually

Become outdated,

Crash at odd moments,

Acquire errors in our systems,

And have to have our parts replaced!

 

[moreluck]

I'm a Senior Citizen..............

I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 PM.

* I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

* I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

* I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

* I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

* I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

* I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.

* I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

* I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

* I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

* I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

* I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

* I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

* I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........

* I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

* I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

* I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

* I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

* I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.

* I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

* I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now If I could only remember who sent this to me! You didn't, did you?

 

[moreluck]

HA HA HA HO HO HO HEE HEE HEE!!





The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to
life would be appropriate.

**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

**********************

If Pelosi, Reid, Kerry and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the
ocean and it sank, who would be saved? .... America!

**********************

If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!

**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

=

 

[Dizzee]

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'















She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

[moreluck]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST



An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist whoshared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.



He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

 

[moreluck]

Golfer

The golf pro looked out of his window to see one of the club members, a single-figure handicapper, hitting off the first tee by himself.

The pro watched as the member hit a great drive straight and long but when he got to the ball, he just kicked it a few yards into the rough. He then proceeded to play another great shot back out of the rough to just short of the green but again, walked up and just kicked it sideways into the green-side bunker. A lovely explosion shot to three feet was followed by another kick about twelve foot past the hole. He then sank the putt and moved on to the second hole which took him out of sight of the pro.

Some time later, the pro noticed the member coming up the 18th hole continuing to play his strange round. As soon as he putted out and returned to the club-house, the pro approached him and asked why he had kept kicking the ball just a few yards after having played each other shot with such skill. He replied "I've been practicing for the mixed foursomes with my wife tomorrow".