Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
DUMB STATE LAWS~

NEW YORK - 1. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. 2. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. 3. The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

OREGON - 1. Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. 2. You may not pump your own gas in service stations. 3. Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

SOUTH CAROLINA - 1. Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. 2. It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. 3. Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal. 4. Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday.

TENNESSEE - 1. You can't shoot any game other whales from a moving automobile. 2. Hollow logs may not be sold. #3. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Gravity.............




A school kid asks his teacher, "It is true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"

The teacher says, "Yes"

The kid then asks, "What kept us before the law was passed?"


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password: **

* ***"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"**
*
*When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital...*
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Secrets of Success

* Personality has the power to open many doors but character keeps them open.

* Don't find fault. Find a remedy.

* Attitude is everything. It can make you a failure or a success.

* Overlook other's faults but look over your own carefully.

* Be yourself; an original is always better than a copy.

* Six important words: I admit I made a mistake.

* The only people in this world who never fail are those who never try.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Illegal sex


>
>
> An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
>
> "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she
> replies.
>
> In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says."
>
> "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what
> immigrant style is.
>
> "I pay you $400." "No," she says.
>
> So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks,
> "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
>
> I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.
> How bad could immigrant style be?"
>
> So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they
> finish.
>
> Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting
> something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is
> immigrant style?"
>
> The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
>
> AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE
> SCREWING US!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
REALFRIENDTEST!


A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!)


A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..


A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.


A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.


A simplefriend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.


A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.


A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.


A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Secret Code...
>
> After a President has been in office a year it is customary for the last
> President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
>
> So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was
> somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
>
> 370H-SSV-0773H
>
> This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
> president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
>
> So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
>
> They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
> called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and
> they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
>
> Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
> They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
>
> Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
>
> They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note
> to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
>
> A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
>
> All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called
> in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
>
> After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone
> and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
>
> George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ..... you're holding it upside
> down!'
>
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Restaurant buddies.....

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there were pretty and have low cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain your composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.




1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Valentine's day presents

My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

1. Brand new mop and bucket...I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.

2. Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant...I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

3. Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box...I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

4. Midnight moped ride through the park...I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

5. Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favorites this ---I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Appledoesitagain!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
How's This For Nostalgia?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took three minutes for the TV to warm up?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all
for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with
your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did it!

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch
submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in
the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends?
and saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a... '?

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one
had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time
and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings,
drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we
survived because their love was greater than the threat.

. .as well as summers filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and
eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.


To remember what a Double Dog Dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow knows, Nellie Bell , Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

How Many Of These Do You Remember?

Candy cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.

Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes.

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.

Newsreels before the movie.

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...( Yukon 2-601). Party lines.

Peashooters.

Howdy Doody.

Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records!

Green Stamps.

Mimeograph paper.

The Fort Apache Play Set.

Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their 'Grown-Up' Life . .

I Double-Dog-Dare-Ya!

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Subject: Management Course

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. --------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't
Keep you there.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two minute management course
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for

20+ years..

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to thrill our men by
Wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask over just
Our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:


My engaged friend:
"The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
Leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and whispered, 'You
Are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made love all night
Long."

The mistress:
"Me too! I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather
Bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the
Raincoat he didn't say a word. He just took me into his arms, and we had
Wild explosive sex all night. "

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
Stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.. As soon as he came in the
Door and saw me, he said.

"What's for dinner, Batman?"




=
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Liberal / Conservative History.....


For those that don't know about history .. Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement..

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud
or Miller. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the
military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth
of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self
.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
*******************************************
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $20.00. Go get something to eat!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
He Knows
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."
Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."

 
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