Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

My Favorites.....

Dear Lord, in 2009 you have taken away:

My favorite actor, Patrick Swayze,

My favorite actress, Bea Arthur,

My favorite news journalist, Walter Cronkite,

My favorite animal personality, Gidget the Taco Bell Dog,

My favorite musician, Les Paul,

My favorite comedian, Dom DeLuise,

My favorite salesman, Billy Mays,

And my favorite athlete, Steve McNair.

I just wanted to let you know

- my favorite terrorist is Osama Bin Laden!!

 

[moreluck]

It's Hell getting Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the friggin' jar open.

 

[moreluck]

Tired of hearing about how dumb football players were, college coach Grabowski remembered a recent press release that crossed his desk and told the television interviewer, "It so happens that according to a recent Harrison Poll, over fifty percent of the young men who play college football are making straight A's." "I read that report, too," the interviewer replied, "and my question is this: When will they learn to write the rest of the alphabet?"

 

[zerialz]

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: GAS..


I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!!!!

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL...............

You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.

You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.

Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.

As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I tired!"

In the operating room, you see a surgeon holding a sign that says, "WILL DO SURGERY FOR FOOD!"

Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.

All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.

You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.

Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"

Instead of "patient," they use the term "plaintiff."

 

[moreluck]

Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That's great info for moms. "Honey, you have two choices: you can eat that donut and play video games or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq."

 

[moreluck]

Safety at Work......
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

 

[moreluck]

STELLA Awards

Here are the Stellas for 2009:​

* SEVENTH PLACE *


Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *


Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *


Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one...


* FOURTH PLACE *


Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.


* THIRD PLACE *


Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


*SECOND PLACE*


Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.


Okay....here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?


$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?​

 

[moreluck]

Corporate Stupidity...


What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

 

[moreluck]

Being a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
Since I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I've never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[moreluck]

why do chicken coops have two doors?

because if they had four doors

they'd be called chicken sedans.

 

[moreluck]

Reincarnation...........

A wife was talking to her husband about reincarnation. "What exactly is reincarnation?" he asked.

"It's when you die and come back as something completely different," she explained.

"So" he suggested, "I could come back as a pig?"

She sighed wearily. "You're not listening, are you?"

 

[moreluck]

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Granddad has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; same for fruit, cereal and pop in their respective aisles.


Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Edward, we won't be long - easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Granddad calmly say, "It's okay, Edward, just a couple more minutes & we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad again in a controlled voice is says "Edward, Edward, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Edward."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Granddad is loading his groceries and the boy into the car ;


You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Granddad, "But I'm Edward - the little bastard's name is Steve

 

[moreluck]

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the
jar?'

'Well.... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, What are
the three tests? You must pay first... Those are the rules,'says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the
$10 and the bartender stuffs it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.


Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex..
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those
other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender......
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did
it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and
screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's
bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:

Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved

 

[moreluck]

Incoming
Fire Has the Right of Way.......



Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part Drill Instructor, And part stand up comic. Here are a few of his observations on Tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the Civilized world.

"The handgun would not be my choice of weapon if I knew I was going to a fight....I'd choose a rifle, a shotgun, an RPG or an atomic Bomb instead."

"The two most important rules in a gunfight are: Always cheat and Always win."

"Every time I teach a class, I discover I don't know something."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."

"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'.. If you're not loadin, you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna Cut your head off and put it on a stick.."


"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket... If you light yourself up, you'll look
like an angel or the tooth fairy..and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Nothing adds a little class to a sniper course like a babe in a Ghilliesuit."


"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."


"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous.. If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid
for."

"Don't shoot fast, shoot good."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."


"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet. You may be able to save yourself and your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes us go away and either way it will be exciting."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom......The purpose of fighting is to Win!

There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.

The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, He'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.


4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.
'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!

'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.


'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson

"A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy." --Samuel Adams

 

[moreluck]

Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science Discovered - Read very carefully





Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science Discovered

Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of maroon promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.



Very important information has just been made public:

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'I'm."

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008 but now, most people after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this disease is.

It can be cured easily with a new procedure finally coming on the market called "Vo-tem-out"


You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Virginia, New Jersey, and Massachusetts have participated in the early clinical trials and found "Vo-tem-out" very effective. Many more states are clamoring to participate in these trials.

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

[moreluck]

Dinner guests


}The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued: "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers: "Those who can...do. Those who can't...teach."

To corroborate, he said to another guest: "You're a teacher, Susan," he said. "Be honest. What do you make?"

Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness, replied, "You want to know what I make?"

"I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could."

"I make kids believe in themselves when no one else will."

"I make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the student did not do his or her very best."

"I make parents tremble in fear when I call home"

"You want to know what I make?

"I make kids wonder."

"I make them question."

"I make them criticize."

"I make them apologize and mean it."

"I make them write."

"I make them read, read, read."

"I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, and definitely beautiful over and over and over again, until they will never misspell either one of those words again."

"I make them show all their work in math and hide it all on their final drafts in English."

"I make them understand that if you have a dream, then follow it...and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make or what you do, you pay them no attention."

"You want to know what I make?! " "I make a difference." "What about you?"

 

[moreluck]

Golf.....


A young minister and an elderly parishioner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly.

At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."

"Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"