Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Charles, my brother-in-law, was desperately trying to keep his four-year-old daughter awake while driving home one night to save bedtime headaches. He sang, talked and played Sesame Street tapes. After a while, he realized things were too quiet in the backseat.
"George," he called, "you're not sleeping, are you?"
A muffled voice replied, "No, Daddy. I'm just having a long blink."
"George," he called, "you're not sleeping, are you?"
A muffled voice replied, "No, Daddy. I'm just having a long blink."
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Goofy Ways to Stay Safe and Healthy in Today's Hazardous World" (Joe Hickman)
Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.
Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.
Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.
Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.
Avoid harmful fats -- particularly those named Ben and Jerry .
Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.
Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks -- especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.
Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.
Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.
Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.
Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear.
Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.
Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.
Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.
Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.
Avoid harmful fats -- particularly those named Ben and Jerry .
Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.
Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks -- especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.
Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.
Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.
Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.
Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear.
moreluck
golden ticket member
You might be a redneck......
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A fresh-faced lad, on the eve of his wedding night, goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looked at her son and replied, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanked his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looked at his son in surprise and said, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
The mother looked at her son and replied, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanked his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looked at his son in surprise and said, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Oil Change instructions for Women:
- Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
- 15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
- Oil Change: $40.00
- Coffee: $2.00
- Total: $42.00
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
- Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under caravan.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
- Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Drink beer.
- Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
- Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
- Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
- Begin swearing fit.
- Throw stupid crescent wrench.
- Beer.
- Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Beer.
- Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
- Beer.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
- Beer.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car is impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
- Parts: $50.00
- DUI: $2500.00
- Impound fee: $75.00
- Bail: $1500.00
- Beer: $40.00
- Total: $4,185.00
moreluck
golden ticket member
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a ef-ing Chihuahua?!"
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a ef-ing Chihuahua?!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his arse again!"
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his arse again!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Moms.....
A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his Mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said:
For cutting the grass: $5.00
For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00
For going to the store for you: $.50
Baby-sitting my kid brother while you went shopping: $.25
Taking out the garbage: $1.00
For getting a good report card: $5.00
For cleaning up and raking the yard: $2.00
Total owed: $14.75
Well, his mother looked at him standing there, and the boy could see the memories flashing through her mind. She picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote:
For the nine months I carried you while you were growing inside me: No Charge
For all the nights that I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you: No Charge
For all the trying times, and all the tears that you've caused through the years: No Charge
For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead: No Charge
For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose: No Charge
Son, when you add it up, the cost of my love is: No Charge.
When the boy finished reading what his mother had written, there were big tears in his eyes, and he looked straight at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you." And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: "PAID IN FULL".
Lessons:
You will never how much your parents worth till you become a parent
Be a giver not an asker, especially with your parents. there is a lot to give, besides money.
Advice: IF your mom is alive and close to you, give her a big kiss and ask her for forgiveness. If she is far away, call her. if she passed away, pray for her.
A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his Mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said:
For cutting the grass: $5.00
For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00
For going to the store for you: $.50
Baby-sitting my kid brother while you went shopping: $.25
Taking out the garbage: $1.00
For getting a good report card: $5.00
For cleaning up and raking the yard: $2.00
Total owed: $14.75
Well, his mother looked at him standing there, and the boy could see the memories flashing through her mind. She picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote:
For the nine months I carried you while you were growing inside me: No Charge
For all the nights that I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you: No Charge
For all the trying times, and all the tears that you've caused through the years: No Charge
For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead: No Charge
For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose: No Charge
Son, when you add it up, the cost of my love is: No Charge.
When the boy finished reading what his mother had written, there were big tears in his eyes, and he looked straight at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you." And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: "PAID IN FULL".
Lessons:
You will never how much your parents worth till you become a parent
Be a giver not an asker, especially with your parents. there is a lot to give, besides money.
Advice: IF your mom is alive and close to you, give her a big kiss and ask her for forgiveness. If she is far away, call her. if she passed away, pray for her.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why are men like lawn mowers? If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed Appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed Appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
moreluck
golden ticket member
FAMILY MAN (Robert Fulghum)
1. Children are not pets.
2. The life they actually live and the life you perceive them to be living is not the same life.
3. Don't take what your children do too personally.
4. Don't keep score cards on them...a short memory is useful.
5. Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for well-being.
6. Stay out of their rooms after puberty.
7. Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
8. Learn from them; they have much to teach you.
9. Love them long; let them go early.
Finally. You will never really know what kind of parent you were or if you did it right or wrong. Never. And you will worry about this and them as long as you live. But when your children have children and you watch them do what they do, you will have part of an answer.
1. Children are not pets.
2. The life they actually live and the life you perceive them to be living is not the same life.
3. Don't take what your children do too personally.
4. Don't keep score cards on them...a short memory is useful.
5. Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for well-being.
6. Stay out of their rooms after puberty.
7. Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
8. Learn from them; they have much to teach you.
9. Love them long; let them go early.
Finally. You will never really know what kind of parent you were or if you did it right or wrong. Never. And you will worry about this and them as long as you live. But when your children have children and you watch them do what they do, you will have part of an answer.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Strange Business One-Liners.........
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A crisis is when you cannot say "Let's just forget the whole thing."
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A penny saved has not been spent.
The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. - Albert Einstein
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A crisis is when you cannot say "Let's just forget the whole thing."
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A penny saved has not been spent.
The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. - Albert Einstein
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
moreluck
golden ticket member
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Finally, police that care...
The Corpus Christi Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string ,a
strap-on
, purple lipstick, and an Obama for President in 2008 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.
The Corpus Christi Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string ,a
strap-on
, purple lipstick, and an Obama for President in 2008 T-shirt.He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car g oing 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car g oing 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers......
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN.
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Holy Humor....
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
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