Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Love making tips for the older generation......




1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..!

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

 

[moreluck]

THINGS A HUSBAND SHOULD NOT SAY DURING CHILDBIRTH..........

Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

I hope you'r ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

Stop your swearing and just breathe.

Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.

Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there

 

[moreluck]

PEOPLE OF FAITH....

During these serious times. people of all faiths
should remember these four religious truths.....


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.


4. Mormons do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

[moreluck]

==Holy Humor........======

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many car s ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.
========

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church bu ilding.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

 

[moreluck]

Outdoor Barbecuing, the only type of cooking a "real" man will do:

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The guests congratulate the man for his excellent cooking and he takes a bow.

 

[moreluck]

Be Clear....

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

 

[moreluck]

TEENS


It could be worse, you could have 2 of them!


Teenagers....you can't live with them and you can't kill them. No, really, you can't!


If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance. ~Al Bernstein


Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. ~


Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.


Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.


In the time it takes you to understand a 14-year-old, he turns 15.


Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.

 

[moreluck]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

 

[moreluck]

How to tell if you are in a Redneck Church



1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and
two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's
Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.(or Vans).

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless Y'all and be sure to don't fergit ta say yer prayers.

 

[moreluck]

Yikes......


A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

 

[moreluck]

FOR A GOOD LAUGH......


This is for the over 55 generation:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PS

I know some of you are not over 55; I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

 

[moreluck]

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Billings , Montana ..'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings ..'
'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

GO GREEN RECYCLE CONGRESS

Fight organized crime: Re-elect no one 2010

 

[moreluck]

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want her to walk with him, and she wanted to give him a feeling of independence. But she also wanted know that he was safe.

When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school in the mornings for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldn't notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise.

All week long, Shirley and her daughter followed Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.

As the two children walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend said, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy replied, 'Yes, I know who she is. That's my mom's friend Shirley Goodnest and her little girl Marcy'.

'Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, cuz she worries about me so much. and in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life'. I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon You, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

I know you smiled! I sure did, Pass this on and brighten someone's day

 

[moreluck]

The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston.

 

[moreluck]

When your friends can't explain why they voted for Democrats, give them this list. They can then pick a reason.





10. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.







9. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.







8. I voted Democrat because Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.







7. I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.







6. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.





5. I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies through abortion so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.





4. I voted Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, food stamps and housing allowance.





3. I voted Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the democrats see fit.





2. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.





1. I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass it's unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

 

[moreluck]

Recently, when
I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.


'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I
replied.

'We only have six, nine, or
twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'


'That's right.'

So I shook my head and
ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but
sadly true...)

 

[moreluck]

ODE TO A SHEDDING CAT........

I think that I shall never see

A cat that sheds as much as thee

Thy fur that sticks is all around

On chairs, on mats in little mounds

I sweep the floor, you shed some more

I wash the rug and you just shrug

You should give thanks I tolerate that

Or you would be a crew-cut cat.

 

[moreluck]

Fitness.....
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take a aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

[moreluck]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Eric came home from work The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Eric."

 

[moreluck]

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

3. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. No one is listening until you fart.





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