Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
On the way to pre-school,
the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat,
and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor,
"my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument,
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat,
and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor,
"my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument,
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is no difference in the
outcome.
Both result in death.
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is no difference in the
outcome.
Both result in death.
moreluck
golden ticket member
WHAT DO ANGELS LOOK LIKE? (Veronica M. Hay)
Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.
Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.
Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
Like the rich man who showed you it really is all possible, if only you believe.
Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one left to touch.
Angels come in all sizes and shapes, All ages and skin types.
Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.
They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, lovers and fools.
They don't take life too seriously, They travel light.
They leave no forwarding address, They ask for nothing in return.
They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, They get a deal on dry cleaning.
They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, But, They are everywhere you look when you choose to see.
Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.
Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.
Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
Like the rich man who showed you it really is all possible, if only you believe.
Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one left to touch.
Angels come in all sizes and shapes, All ages and skin types.
Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.
They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, lovers and fools.
They don't take life too seriously, They travel light.
They leave no forwarding address, They ask for nothing in return.
They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, They get a deal on dry cleaning.
They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, But, They are everywhere you look when you choose to see.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Practicing....
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Indian Ride
A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American
Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"
so loud that it echoed off the
surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he
yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode
off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him
on the horse with my arms around his
waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American
Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"
so loud that it echoed off the
surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he
yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode
off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him
on the horse with my arms around his
waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Beggars.....
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a Mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
Jose says"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"
Jose's sign reads: "I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico."
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a Mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
Jose says"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"
Jose's sign reads: "I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico."
moreluck
golden ticket member
“Even after the recent Super Bowl victory ofthe New Orleans Saints, I have noticed alarge number of people implying with badjokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with thatassessment. Anybody that would build a city 5feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius”.
moreluck
golden ticket member
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A woman at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
Joe Biden's secret diary....
http://dailycaller.com/2010/08/11/exclusive-vice-president-joe-bidens-secret-diary-revealed/
http://dailycaller.com/2010/08/11/exclusive-vice-president-joe-bidens-secret-diary-revealed/
moreluck
golden ticket member
PENNY FACTS (Laura Bruce)
The U.S. one-cent coin is 0.748031 inches in diameter (less than three-quarters of an inch) and weighs 0.0881849 ounces.
The composition of the penny is 97.5 percent zinc and 2.5 percent copper.
There have been 11 different designs featured on the penny.
The U.S. Mint produces more than 13 billion pennies annually.
There are more than 130 billion one-cent coins currently in circulation.
Since its beginning, the U.S. Mint has produced more than 288.7 billion pennies. Lined up edge to edge, these pennies would circle the earth 137 times.
The average penny lasts 25 years.
Sometimes a penny is worth more than a penny. If you think you're seeing double, save that coin. Some 1955 pennies have a "double- die date." In uncirculated condition -- not a blemish on it -- it's worth about $27,000. Even in less than perfect condition it'll fatten your bank account to the tune of $570.
The U.S. one-cent coin is 0.748031 inches in diameter (less than three-quarters of an inch) and weighs 0.0881849 ounces.
The composition of the penny is 97.5 percent zinc and 2.5 percent copper.
There have been 11 different designs featured on the penny.
The U.S. Mint produces more than 13 billion pennies annually.
There are more than 130 billion one-cent coins currently in circulation.
Since its beginning, the U.S. Mint has produced more than 288.7 billion pennies. Lined up edge to edge, these pennies would circle the earth 137 times.
The average penny lasts 25 years.
Sometimes a penny is worth more than a penny. If you think you're seeing double, save that coin. Some 1955 pennies have a "double- die date." In uncirculated condition -- not a blemish on it -- it's worth about $27,000. Even in less than perfect condition it'll fatten your bank account to the tune of $570.
klein
Für Meno :)
Husband finishes reading the book' Be the man of your house' and says to the wife :
From now on my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. You will bathe me as I relax. towel me dry and massage my feet.
Then tomorrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair?
Wife says: The ******* funeral director would be my first guess......
From now on my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. You will bathe me as I relax. towel me dry and massage my feet.
Then tomorrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair?
Wife says: The ******* funeral director would be my first guess......
Last edited by a moderator:
P
pickup
Guest
I see that the "ck" of this particularly horrendous word is somewhat in a different font than the rest of the font of the post. Maybe that is how it slipped by. Perhaps our "smuggler" has found a way get past the censor.
It has already been reported to the moderators by yours truly. This is not the first time that this particular poster has had to be admonished. When will his reign of terror come to an end?
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