Don't even try it, troublemaker!
Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
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Don't even try it, troublemaker!
klein
Für Meno :)
He is right, I got my first ever official warning e-mail message because of it !
So, yup, don't even try !!!!!
(mind you, didn't help that I have my own personal little troll following every post I write)..
But, I will change that joke anyways, more like this :
Hubby comes back from a vacation in Pakistan.
He seen how great the men are treated by thier wives, and the overwelming power they have towards them.
So , he comes back to America to his wife, and had enough of the old ways she had with him... and from now on, things need to change....
(the rest stays the same) LOL
Last edited:
P
pickup
Guest
He is right, I got my first ever official warning e-mail message because of it !
So, yup, don't even try !!!!!
(mind you, didn't help that I have my own personal little troll following every post I write)..
Typical, the crook blames the cop when he gets caught
But, I will change that joke anyways, more like this :
Hubby comes back from a vacation in Pakistan.
He seen how great the men are treated by thier wives, and the overwelming power they have towards them.
So , he comes back to America to his wife, and had enough of the old ways she had with him... and from now on, things need to change....
(the rest stays the same) LOL
moreluck
golden ticket member
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban
regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Have you ever had a mental block when you're trying to spell a word?" I asked my husband. I told him that I had wanted to withdraw $40 that day from our account, but I couldn't remember if 40 was spelled "fourty" or "forty."
"What did you do?" he asked.
"I took out $50."
"What did you do?" he asked.
"I took out $50."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Several years ago,
we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the
way!!
we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the
way!!
moreluck
golden ticket member
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Old Cowboy....
One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn, dog-eared Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"And what was his reply?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said he'd never been in this church."
One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn, dog-eared Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"And what was his reply?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said he'd never been in this church."
moreluck
golden ticket member
PERTINENT OBSERVATIONS FOR THE EQUESTRIAN NEOPHYTE......
Tying your horse's reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle.
When throwing your saddle over your horse's back, do not let go. See Law of Inertia: a body in motion tends to remain in motion.
Forgetting to tighten the girth before swinging into the saddle gives you a whole new perspective of your horse.
Before using a crop to encourage your horse to move, be sure it is facing the direction you wish to go.
On a five mile long road with a single mud puddle in it, your horse will shy when you are most likely to fall in the puddle. Same for a single cactus in the desert.
It is a mistake to believe horses have no sense of humor. They think we are funny.
A neophyte rider need waste no time being concerned for his horse's welfare. Your horse knows all about being a horse. Concentrate on your own well being.
Horses smell FEAR. Deodorant won't help.
Tying your horse's reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle.
When throwing your saddle over your horse's back, do not let go. See Law of Inertia: a body in motion tends to remain in motion.
Forgetting to tighten the girth before swinging into the saddle gives you a whole new perspective of your horse.
Before using a crop to encourage your horse to move, be sure it is facing the direction you wish to go.
On a five mile long road with a single mud puddle in it, your horse will shy when you are most likely to fall in the puddle. Same for a single cactus in the desert.
It is a mistake to believe horses have no sense of humor. They think we are funny.
A neophyte rider need waste no time being concerned for his horse's welfare. Your horse knows all about being a horse. Concentrate on your own well being.
Horses smell FEAR. Deodorant won't help.
moreluck
golden ticket member
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells "Paw, I found her! I found the girl I'm gonna marry, and she's a virgin!"
Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER YOU WOULD LEARN STUFF LIKE...
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
moreluck
golden ticket member
ABOUT CANADA ..........
I don't even know what street Canada is on. ~ Al Capone
Until I came to Canada I never knew 'snow' was a four letter word. ~ Alberto Manguel
It's going to be a great country when they finish unpacking it. ~ Andrew H. Malcom
Canada has never been a melting-pot; more like a tossed salad. ~ Arnold Edinborough
Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet’s ghost might have walked. ~ Charlie Chaplin (My Autobiography)
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Talks Back)
There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. ~ Dave Barry (Only Travel Guide you'll ever need)
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada. ~ Drew Carey (Whose line is it anyway)
The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees. ~ June Callwood
It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. ~ Kevin Myers (The Daily Telegraph, London)
Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. ~ Pierre E. Trudeau
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. ~ Richard Benner
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" ~ Steven Wright
Canada's national bird is the grouse. ~ Stuart Keate
Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes. ~ Tommy Douglas
I don't even know what street Canada is on. ~ Al Capone
Until I came to Canada I never knew 'snow' was a four letter word. ~ Alberto Manguel
It's going to be a great country when they finish unpacking it. ~ Andrew H. Malcom
Canada has never been a melting-pot; more like a tossed salad. ~ Arnold Edinborough
Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet’s ghost might have walked. ~ Charlie Chaplin (My Autobiography)
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Talks Back)
There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. ~ Dave Barry (Only Travel Guide you'll ever need)
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada. ~ Drew Carey (Whose line is it anyway)
The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees. ~ June Callwood
It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. ~ Kevin Myers (The Daily Telegraph, London)
Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. ~ Pierre E. Trudeau
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. ~ Richard Benner
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" ~ Steven Wright
Canada's national bird is the grouse. ~ Stuart Keate
Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes. ~ Tommy Douglas
moreluck
golden ticket member
In 1992, Ozzy Osbourne announced that he planned to spend more time with his family and that his next tour (aptly named the 'No More Tours Tour') would be his last. Three years later, Ozzy released another album and, shortly thereafter, embarked upon a new world tour. Its name? Retirement Sucks!
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