Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
welfare dogs..........

This morning I went to sign my four dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their daddies are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Flasher . . . . . .

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Landmines.....

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Corny Pick Up Lines.....

Alright ladies, I admit... men have said some pretty corny things to break the ice. Pick-up lines have become somewhat of a novelty, only the coolest guys use them now . At any rate, here ARe the top 10 corniest pickup lines ever heard (in no particular order).

* I’ve heard sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

* If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

* You must be the reason for global warming because you're hot.

* Is your name Gillette? Cause baby you’re the best a man can get!

* The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty.

* If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.

* You might as well sleep with me because I'm gonna tell everyone we did anyway!

* Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk past you again?

* What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

* Are you an overdue book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The Good Ol' Days....

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!

Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Tom's scrotum







The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.


He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Train Seat.......

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers.........

Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?

I are proud to be a college student

Conserve toilet paper...use both sides

Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin'

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

Keep honking...I'm reloading

Don't steal....the government hates competition

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like his passengers!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands next to the barber chair,
while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack
cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart,
you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She
says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
In the old days......

The Washington Post Report asked their readers how they would tell Gen-Xers how much harder "we" had it in the "old days."

Second Runner-Up: ====================

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up: ===================

In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner: ==================

In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Honorable Mentions: ===================

In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK --- GAAK! Urrgh ... Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms together. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
 

moreluck

golden ticket member


ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND......


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.


I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too..


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his a--, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.





 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Butcher...........



One afternoon, a butcher went into a pet shop. The butcher had visited that same pet shop every day for a week straight. It seems that he had fallen in love with one of the seagulls in the shop.

Alas, he had no money to spend, but the pet shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of the delicious German sausage from the butcher's store.

And so, the deal was made. It seems that he took a tern for the wurst.

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
PREGNANCY DICTIONARY..........

Afterbirth--when the hard part begins.

Cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity Clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal--when your life was still your own.

Pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

Second Trimester--the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third Trimester--the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
KIDS UNDERSTAND LOVE.....

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Heavenly Punishment.....

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
You are no longer a kid when -

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

You have friends who have kids.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's play land.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

Naps are good.

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do- over!"

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member


I recently saw a
distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She
replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't
know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.


'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
M&M 03.JPG I just wanted to introduce the newest member of our family....his name is Blue. His "thumbs up" gesture will be daily inspiration for me. He is 41 inches tall and stands in our entry way at the front door.
M&M 03.JPG
 
Top