Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Arizona Sheriff Entrance Exam:
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Better Be Careful!These are actual warnings given on various products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Reasons to avoid high school reunions.........
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in
Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in
Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Blonde Joke
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the
blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches
through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it
and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over
we could have avoided this whole thing!"
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the
blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches
through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it
and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over
we could have avoided this whole thing!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)
WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"crap."
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)
WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"crap."
moreluck
golden ticket member
SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN..........
'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Acetylene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Baseball Cap
Burning Grass or Leaves
Firecrackers
Latex Paint
'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Acetylene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Baseball Cap
Burning Grass or Leaves
Firecrackers
Latex Paint
moreluck
golden ticket member
Peanut butter (and jelly) is the most popular sandwich in US but there are other things you can do with it around the house.
1. Most cats and dogs love the taste of peanut butter so if you need to give your pet medication, hide the pill in peanut butter. It will be swallowed quickly and he/she will be asking for more.
2. This sounds totally weird but if you don’t have soap, or oil to shave with, smooth peanut makes a great alternative.
3. If the kids have been making up those plastic model kits and squeezed glue onto fabrics, you can remove it by rubbing with peanut butter before washing.
4. Smoothing peanut with unstick bubblegum helps you remove it from hair and clothing.
5. You can make a peanut soup with peanut butter as the base. Use ingredients for a simple vegetable soup: onions, tomatoes, potatoes, etc. and add peanut butter. This is very nutritious and will be popular with the kids.
6. Bait mouse traps with peanut butter instead of cheese. Mice seem to prefer it.
7. Peanut butter is nutritious and healthy for your dog. It will give strong teeth and bones, bright eyes and shiny coat. Dogs love it.
8. Use peanut butter in cookie recipes as a direct replacement for butter.
9. Remove the sticky stuff left behind when you remove price tags by rubbing with peanut butter.
10. If you don’t like the smell of fried fish that seems to linger in the house long after you’ve finished cooking, add a dollop of peanut butter to the frying pan. It will absorb the smell.
1. Most cats and dogs love the taste of peanut butter so if you need to give your pet medication, hide the pill in peanut butter. It will be swallowed quickly and he/she will be asking for more.
2. This sounds totally weird but if you don’t have soap, or oil to shave with, smooth peanut makes a great alternative.
3. If the kids have been making up those plastic model kits and squeezed glue onto fabrics, you can remove it by rubbing with peanut butter before washing.
4. Smoothing peanut with unstick bubblegum helps you remove it from hair and clothing.
5. You can make a peanut soup with peanut butter as the base. Use ingredients for a simple vegetable soup: onions, tomatoes, potatoes, etc. and add peanut butter. This is very nutritious and will be popular with the kids.
6. Bait mouse traps with peanut butter instead of cheese. Mice seem to prefer it.
7. Peanut butter is nutritious and healthy for your dog. It will give strong teeth and bones, bright eyes and shiny coat. Dogs love it.
8. Use peanut butter in cookie recipes as a direct replacement for butter.
9. Remove the sticky stuff left behind when you remove price tags by rubbing with peanut butter.
10. If you don’t like the smell of fried fish that seems to linger in the house long after you’ve finished cooking, add a dollop of peanut butter to the frying pan. It will absorb the smell.
moreluck
golden ticket member
DICTIONARY OF PROJECT TERMS:
Major Technological Breakthrough---"Back to the drawing board."
Developed after years of intensive research---"It was discovered by accident."
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties---"We are working on something else."
The designs are well within allowable limits---"We just made it, stretching a point or two."
Customer satisfaction is believed assured---"We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us."
Close project coordination---"We should have asked someone else."
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period---"We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something."
A number of different approaches are being tried---"We don't know where we're going, but we're moving."
Test results were extremely gratifying---"It works, and are we surprised!"
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem---"We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while."
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive---"The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch."
The entire concept will have to be abandoned---"The only guy who understood the thing quit."
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties ---"We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch."
Major Technological Breakthrough---"Back to the drawing board."
Developed after years of intensive research---"It was discovered by accident."
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties---"We are working on something else."
The designs are well within allowable limits---"We just made it, stretching a point or two."
Customer satisfaction is believed assured---"We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us."
Close project coordination---"We should have asked someone else."
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period---"We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something."
A number of different approaches are being tried---"We don't know where we're going, but we're moving."
Test results were extremely gratifying---"It works, and are we surprised!"
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem---"We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while."
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive---"The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch."
The entire concept will have to be abandoned---"The only guy who understood the thing quit."
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties ---"We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Funny Headlines.............
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one was caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and when the Editorial Room was called, it took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jay walkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one was caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and when the Editorial Room was called, it took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jay walkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
moreluck
golden ticket member
TREAT......
One day when I began opening a bag of chips, both my 16-month-old daughter, Hannah, and our dog came running. “Chips! Chips! Chips!” yelled Hannah. I had been trying to teach her to say please so, with the dog waiting patiently at my heels, I took out a chip and said, “Say please, Hannah.” The dog barked. This happened over and over, until I decided to get rid of the dog by giving it a chip. I turned back to Hannah, took a chip from the bag and once again said, “Say please, Hannah.” She looked up hopefully and replied, “Woof!”
One day when I began opening a bag of chips, both my 16-month-old daughter, Hannah, and our dog came running. “Chips! Chips! Chips!” yelled Hannah. I had been trying to teach her to say please so, with the dog waiting patiently at my heels, I took out a chip and said, “Say please, Hannah.” The dog barked. This happened over and over, until I decided to get rid of the dog by giving it a chip. I turned back to Hannah, took a chip from the bag and once again said, “Say please, Hannah.” She looked up hopefully and replied, “Woof!”
moreluck
golden ticket member
Perks of reaching
50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a
hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No
one expects you to run--anywhere.
People
call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There
is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You
can eat supper at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You
get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You
no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You
quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your
eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your
joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
Your
supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice
these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a
hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No
one expects you to run--anywhere.
People
call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There
is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You
can eat supper at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You
get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You
no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You
quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your
eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your
joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
Your
supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice
these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Truths For Mature Humans..........
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day..
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of MS-Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.
I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"
before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket,
finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day..
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of MS-Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.
I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"
before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket,
finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
moreluck
golden ticket member
THE SEVEN DWARFS OF MENOPAUSE:
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried- Up. One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.
The first to arrive was "Itchy". I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then "Bitchy" came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month...it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy...for God's sake, what was wrong with me?
Ding-dong...It's the middle of the night and "Sweaty" has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about "Sleepy" because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
"Bloated" crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight- loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
I can't quite remember when "Forgetful" arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. "Am I getting Alzheimer's?" I wondered.
Last, "All-Dried-Up" slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried- Up. One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.
The first to arrive was "Itchy". I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then "Bitchy" came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month...it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy...for God's sake, what was wrong with me?
Ding-dong...It's the middle of the night and "Sweaty" has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about "Sleepy" because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
"Bloated" crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight- loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
I can't quite remember when "Forgetful" arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. "Am I getting Alzheimer's?" I wondered.
Last, "All-Dried-Up" slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
moreluck
golden ticket member
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human;to forgive,highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."
If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, nothing will happen..but you'll rob them of a whole bunch of much-needed laughter.
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human;to forgive,highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."
If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, nothing will happen..but you'll rob them of a whole bunch of much-needed laughter.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight
attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight
attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
moreluck
golden ticket member
How to tell if you are in a Redneck Church . . . . . .
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and
two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's
Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.(or Vans).
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
God Bless Y'all and be sure to don't fergit ta say yer prayers.
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and
two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's
Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.(or Vans).
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
God Bless Y'all and be sure to don't fergit ta say yer prayers.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
moreluck
golden ticket member
College Professor............
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.
No one ever understood why he did this, until one day...
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball...
No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.
No one ever understood why he did this, until one day...
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball...
No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.
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